I woke up that day feeling like a complete wreck. Was terrified to death about the news that I might have to face. There was no time to find out about the news yet though. I was already late for class. After taking a quick (more like 20 minutes) bath, I rushed to school which was 10 minutes away. However, since my stomach was terribly hungry, I stopped by 7/11 to grab a bite first. After that, I was on the run again.
During class, I had this urge to tell people about how I was truly feeling on the inside. I felt like pouring my heart out to someone. It was a good thing I did had an opportunity to tell Cait and Ihsan about my grandfather the night before though. Or else, I would have more bottled up that day. It is always nice to have someone you can talk to as it is never healthy to keep everything inside. At one point, those things may become toxic. Although I talked to Cait and Ihsan last night, I still felt the need to tell someone else. I decided to hold to urge cause I did not know what might have happened to my grandfather just yet. Heck, I didn’t even know if he is alive or dead.
Throughout the whole day, I decided to tell no one. I laughed and joked like every other day. Part of me felt like the only reason I did not want to tell anyone at school yet was because the information had yet sunk in completely. Part of me still refused to admit what might have happened. At one point, I felt better not knowing the truth. But I knew sooner or later, I would have to face up to it. Sooner or later, I would have to call my mum. I decided to call them later at night. I needed some more time to prepare myself for the worse.
After class, I decided to go to the E-Lounge. I sat there and chatted for about an hour or so. By then, I could not bare not knowing anymore. I thought I could wait until later at night but through was I could not anymore. Good news or bad news, I rather hear it then than later. I made the phone call to my mother. It was difficult pressing those digits.
I realized that if this was a real drama, the answer that I would get from my
mother would be that my grandfather had finally passed away and I would break down and cry. That would be a perfect ending for a drama that had lasted a year. It all started off with me knowing about my real father and ended with the death of my grandfather. But at the same time, I prayed that this would be a fairytale ending. I hoped that for once in my life, there could be some bright skies and rainbows in my life. I was hoping that the amazing time that I had in August would last until the end of my life.
Whatever the news was, I knew that I was ready to bear it. I told myself over and over again that whatever that might happened was destined by God and that there would blessings in disguise. I told myself that throughout this whole rollercoaster ride, I have become a stronger man than I was a few years back then. As I anticipated my mother to pick up the phone, I was prepared. I was emotionally prepared.
My mother answered the phone. She sounded calm and collected. I could hear my aunt in the background talking. I asked my mum about grandpa. She said that I could stop worrying as he had become better overnight. They were all at my grandpa’s house. I spoke to my aunt and asked if she was okay. She sounded better. I felt somewhat relieved. I guess it was not my grandpa’s time to go yet.
21st November 2007
A month plus had passed since my grandfather’s false alarm. I am truly grateful that my grandfather’s still alive. But the situation’s not over yet. Ever since that day, my grandpa’s condition has been unstable. Sometimes he is fine and sometimes he is not. We all feel like we’re just playing the waiting game now.
I guess the one thing that makes me feel torn the most is the feeling of helplessness. At the end of the day, my mother as a daughter has the responsibility of caring for my grandfather. She’s been caring for my grandfather in the morning while going to work at night. I feel like a terrible son at times for allowing her to go through that. Even my brother and sister are chipping in while I am in Japan.
Right before I wrote this blog, I called my mum. She explained to me about her situation now and all I could say to her was that in three years time, right after I graduate, things will become better. I would have a stable salary and I could finally share her burden. I really hope that’s true because I think she’s worked hard enough all of these years. I told her to tell my grandpa that I might be back for Chinese New Year this year. Hopefully with that little piece of info, grandpa would fight harder and could at least last one more Chinese New Year. What my family doesn’t know is that it is not a possibility that I might be back during Chinese New Year. Instead, it is a definite thing. I am going back this February. This will be the first Chinese New Year I have with my family since 2005.
Can’t wait.
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