There's been several reasons why I decided not to blog for the past few months...let's look into the reasons one at a time.
THE FIRST REASON
I've been blogging all these while almost certain that the few chapters I blogged about will be the only few things worth blogging about my life. I was so certain that by Chapter 11, everything would have come to an end. I guess I thought wrong. After Chapter 7, I discovered something new about my life. More accurately about the past before my birth. But as I have yet learn the best way to deal with this, I shall leave this out of my blog. Instead, I would just deal with it sometime later in my life. But the one thing I can say about this whole situation is that I am blessed that I lead a slightly more interesting life than others with my own ordeals to deal with. I've grown a lot but I think that for the moment I need to go through these growths on my own before I get to blog about them. Who knows maybe there will be a Season 3.1 when I turn 31. LOL.
THE SECOND REASON I've been swamped with things to do ever since I came back to Kuching a month ago. On top of my every day running around doing chores, I also had to plan a supposedly 12 day trip to Singapore and Bangkok. I will blog about that further down the line, which is supposed to premiere around next week. Right before my birthday....Hehehe presents please, friends.
With that said, here are all of the other chapters for Turning 2.0 except for the last two chapters which should premier around next week. Right before my birthday...Yeap, ur not experiencing deja vu. I am desperately trying to remind you my birthday is next week. Till then, see ya.
Previously: After the trip back to Kuching ended with an odd handshake, Naza (which means me) struggle to get my senses back. This was supposed to be posted a long time ago..so my apologies. Back to Turning 2.0.
"The past will always be there. And the past will never change. The only thing we can do is try and change the present for a better future. The only thing we can do is try to enjoy the present and find a silver lining in everything we encounter. Blessing in disguise, as some might say. I am counting my blessings everyday"
After one of the most stupid moments in my life, I could not help but to feel like a complete moron. As I walked towards my plane, all I could say to myself was stupid, stupid, stupid. I could not believe I just bid farewell to Caitlyn by shaking her hand. I might as well typed out a certificate that said “Goodbye, farewell” or give her a postcard that said “Best of luck”. To come to think of it, those two ideas would have been more appropriate than a hand shake.
The flight from Kuching to Kuala Lumpur
Departing at the new Kuching airport, it began to hit me on how my trip back to Kuching ended up to be everything I didn’t expect it to be but somehow it still felt wonderful. I didn’t expect to start something with Caitlyn when I came back. I did expect to start a relationship but what I had in mind was a relationship with my real father’s family. Something that I did not manage to accomplish. I didn’t expect to meet Jerry and Azeezul and hang out with them every night, but I’m glad that it did happen. I certainly did not expect to gain 5kg cause my cousin told me were going jogging every morning. The 5kg happened but the jogging never once occurred. However, in the flight from Kuching to Kuala Lumpur, I knew that somehow, I managed to accomplish something this time around. I guessed I did achieve some personal growth.
As the flight took off, I still couldn’t get over the foolish hand shake. Stupid, stupid me.
As I arrived at the Kuala Lumpur International Airport, my eyes wondered around for Ihsan and Iman. We were supposed to be on the same flight. Since it was way too early, I decided to go and grab a bite. Oddly enough, I was not hungry at all. Nothing seemed to be appetizing. At that point, I could have swore that an alien has invaded my body. I didn’t feel hungry which could only mean one thing. I was not myself. How can Naza be not hungry? That just didn’t make any sense. I finally forced myself to chow down a McDonald’s beef burger trying to shoo the alien out.
As I walked around the airport, I couldn’t see anything that was interesting. There was nothing that I wanted to buy. Instead, I spent about half an hour sliding my way from one end of the airport to the other. Then it finally hit me, I need to call my family.
I called my mother first. I told her I arrived at Kuala Lumpur International Airport already and that I was waiting for Ihsan and Iman. She told me that my brother had been crying since he reached home. Ah……..my brother had finally grown up. He had become an adult. The art of not showing your emotion in front of others had been mastered. Sigh. My mother put my brother on the line and I talked to him for about a few minutes. After a while, he stopped sobbing. Then I talked to my sister. She seemed to be dealing with the whole departure better than my brother. Next person I called was Caitlyn. After the odd goodbye, the conversation was awkward. I said something and she said something. Words were exchanged but the only thing that was still lingering my mind was the stupid hand shake. Stupid, stupid me.
As my flight was about to board, I said my goodbye and went to the departure gate. Still no signs of Iman and Ihsan. Where the hell are they, I said to myself.
The flight from Kuala Lumpur to Narita International Airport
After boarding the plane, I anxiously waited for the departure. As I sat in the plane, my eyes still wondered around for Ihsan and Iman. While looking for them, a thought finally hit me. I could not believe that I was going back to Japan and would be starting my second semester in university. Before I went back to Malaysia, I promised myself one thing. And that was I was going to have enough rest this whole summer back at my home town and by the time I returned to Japan, I would be ready to go to take the university by storm. I was determined to make the best out of my second semester.
The flight has been delayed for slightly 20 minutes. Apparently one of the passengers had not got on the flight. I was becoming more and more worried. Could it be that Iman or Ihsan missed the flight? My eyes began to wonder around even more. I finally caught a glimpse of Ihsan. He was also looking around. Could this mean that Iman missed the flight, I thought to myself. I was becoming more and more uneasy. Finally, I had enough and decided to get off my seat. I decided to go and ask Ihsan personally whether he had seen Iman or not. Something I should have done a long time ago since I boarded the flight. I went over and noticed his eyes were shut. In order to get his attention, I did what any sane man would do. I pinched his nose. He seemed slightly annoyed but what can I say, I was doing what anyone would expect Naza to do. LOL. I asked him about Iman and he said that Iman was sitting behind.
Feeling much more relaxed, I returned to my seat. The passenger who was late finally arrived and the flight could finally take off. As the flight took off, my mind started to wonder off. I was looking forward to my return to Japan. More importantly, I was looking forward to my return to prominence.
"The past will always be there. And the past will never change. The only thing we can do is try and change the present for a better future. The only thing we can do is try to enjoy the present and find a silver lining in everything we encounter. Blessing in disguise, as some might say. I am counting my blessings everyday"
4th October 2007
I went to bed with my eyes closed but my mind wide open. Just when I thought the rollercoaster had finally come to a stop, off it went again. I was so tired. I was so tired of the whole thing already. I just want to sleep through it. I just want to forget about the whole thing and pray that when I wake up, this was all just a nightmare.
Earlier In the Day
Gosh, it was so hard to believe I’ve already been back to Japan for two weeks. With a new set of determination, I intended to make the best of things. I gave a smile to each and every person that crossed my path. I even tried to talk to the perfect stranger who was sitting in one or two of the lectures I took. The fresh enthusiasm was working out perfect for me. Everything seemed so much more amazing and pretty when you’re optimistic.
So right after my last class, I happily walked to the E-Lounge, a place where all Keio University students, staffs and lecturers are allowed to sit down and talk about anything in English. The guy who was responsible for the place was a nice character. He is an African American lecturer for the literature department. I went there regularly to enjoy a good conversation or just to meet new people. That day, I went there with the same old me.
After sitting there for about half an hour, I received a phone call. It was from my cousin. That was very odd because my cousin never called me from Malaysia before during that hour of the day. I picked up the phone and my cousin told me that my grandfather was suffering from a stroke. The news caught me by surprise but I thought well, my grandfather was an old man and things like these were bound to happen sooner or later. I decided not to let the news have the best of me cause I still had to attend a birthday dinner later at night.
After the birthday dinner, while walking back from the station to my home, I called my cousin again to check up on my grandfather. This time, I finally realized that it might no longer be a false alarm. My cousin told me that my grandfather had become senile and that he was mumbling things that no one could understand. To make matters worse, one of the monks (or someone similar to his ranks) told my family that my grandfather was standing on the top of a bridge and was ready to jump. This is a metaphor of course. There’s no actual river near my house. He said that it was all up to him now and that there was nothing else anyone could do to save my grandfather. My mind was too distracted by the fact that my grandfather might be kicking the bucket to be paying attention to all the mumbo jumbo. My cousin had to hang up all of a sudden. I was worried. I finally understood the magnitude of the situation.
Upon arriving home, I called my mother again. This time, she told me that my cousin was busy attending to his mother, my aunt as she had fainted. I could hear many voices in the background. My mum told me that every one had gathered to see my grandfather at my aunt’s house. As I spoke to my mum, I could hear the sadness in her voice. It was heartbreaking to hear her so sad. She might not have the best relationship with my grandfather for a very long time but I could tell that she had always cared about him.
To come to think of it, maybe there were many signs that were trying to hint me. When I returned back to Kuching, my grandfather was awfully cheerful. He was beaming from ear to ear. I drove him out twice with my cousin and my brother to go and buy things. Both times, he was happy and when we went to lunch, he was extremely nice to my brother. You may think it has got to be common for a grandfather to be nice to his grandchildren. Well, that wasn’t the case with my grandfather. Because of my stepfather, my grandfather had always been partial when it came to my brother and sister. It was obvious that he didn’t like them very much. But this time around, he was different. He was nice to him. And then there was one more thing. Right after I left Kuching, my grandfather called my mother over and said very nice things to her. It seemed like he, himself knew about this day already.
As I remembered all the good things that my grandfather did for me, I began to feel guilty for despising him all these years. For many years, I blamed him for treating my siblings poorly. For many years, I blamed him for the way he treated my mother. But for many years, I kept forgetting that he always cared and tried to be there for me. He was the one who always asked if my stepfather was being nice to me. He was the one who was always there when I grew up. I began to realize how big of hypocrite I became. I preached about forgiveness but I never forgave. I never forgave until that day. The day I finally realized that when I woke up the next day, he might not be around anymore. And the worse thing, I could not even be there when he bid his last farewell.
I went to bed with my eyes closed but my mind wide open. Just when I thought the rollercoaster had finally come to a stop, off I went again. I was so tired. I was so tired of the whole thing already. I felt so helpless. I just want to sleep through it. I just want to forget about the whole thing and pray that when I wake up, this was all just a nightmare. I went to bed praying that when I woke up the next day and call my mum, she would tell me that my grandfather is still around and still living and kicking. Hopefully.
"The past will always be there. And the past will never change. The only thing we can do is try and change the present for a better future. The only thing we can do is try to enjoy the present and find a silver lining in everything we encounter. Blessing in disguise, as some might say. I am counting my blessings everyday"
I woke up that day feeling like a complete wreck. Was terrified to death about the news that I might have to face. There was no time to find out about the news yet though. I was already late for class. After taking a quick (more like 20 minutes) bath, I rushed to school which was 10 minutes away. However, since my stomach was terribly hungry, I stopped by 7/11 to grab a bite first. After that, I was on the run again.
During class, I had this urge to tell people about how I was truly feeling on the inside. I felt like pouring my heart out to someone. It was a good thing I did had an opportunity to tell Cait and Ihsan about my grandfather the night before though. Or else, I would have more bottled up that day. It is always nice to have someone you can talk to as it is never healthy to keep everything inside. At one point, those things may become toxic. Although I talked to Cait and Ihsan last night, I still felt the need to tell someone else. I decided to hold to urge cause I did not know what might have happened to my grandfather just yet. Heck, I didn’t even know if he is alive or dead.
Throughout the whole day, I decided to tell no one. I laughed and joked like every other day. Part of me felt like the only reason I did not want to tell anyone at school yet was because the information had yet sunk in completely. Part of me still refused to admit what might have happened. At one point, I felt better not knowing the truth. But I knew sooner or later, I would have to face up to it. Sooner or later, I would have to call my mum. I decided to call them later at night. I needed some more time to prepare myself for the worse.
After class, I decided to go to the E-Lounge. I sat there and chatted for about an hour or so. By then, I could not bare not knowing anymore. I thought I could wait until later at night but through was I could not anymore. Good news or bad news, I rather hear it then than later. I made the phone call to my mother. It was difficult pressing those digits.
I realized that if this was a real drama, the answer that I would get from my mother would be that my grandfather had finally passed away and I would break down and cry. That would be a perfect ending for a drama that had lasted a year. It all started off with me knowing about my real father and ended with the death of my grandfather. But at the same time, I prayed that this would be a fairytale ending. I hoped that for once in my life, there could be some bright skies and rainbows in my life. I was hoping that the amazing time that I had in August would last until the end of my life.
Whatever the news was, I knew that I was ready to bear it. I told myself over and over again that whatever that might happened was destined by God and that there would blessings in disguise. I told myself that throughout this whole rollercoaster ride, I have become a stronger man than I was a few years back then. As I anticipated my mother to pick up the phone, I was prepared. I was emotionally prepared.
My mother answered the phone. She sounded calm and collected. I could hear my aunt in the background talking. I asked my mum about grandpa. She said that I could stop worrying as he had become better overnight. They were all at my grandpa’s house. I spoke to my aunt and asked if she was okay. She sounded better. I felt somewhat relieved. I guess it was not my grandpa’s time to go yet.
21st November 2007
A month plus had passed since my grandfather’s false alarm. I am truly grateful that my grandfather’s still alive. But the situation’s not over yet. Ever since that day, my grandpa’s condition has been unstable. Sometimes he is fine and sometimes he is not. We all feel like we’re just playing the waiting game now.
I guess the one thing that makes me feel torn the most is the feeling of helplessness. At the end of the day, my mother as a daughter has the responsibility of caring for my grandfather. She’s been caring for my grandfather in the morning while going to work at night. I feel like a terrible son at times for allowing her to go through that. Even my brother and sister are chipping in while I am in Japan.
Right before I wrote this blog, I called my mum. She explained to me about her situation now and all I could say to her was that in three years time, right after I graduate, things will become better. I would have a stable salary and I could finally share her burden. I really hope that’s true because I think she’s worked hard enough all of these years. I told her to tell my grandpa that I might be back for Chinese New Year this year. Hopefully with that little piece of info, grandpa would fight harder and could at least last one more Chinese New Year. What my family doesn’t know is that it is not a possibility that I might be back during Chinese New Year. Instead, it is a definite thing. I am going back this February. This will be the first Chinese New Year I have with my family since 2005.
