Previously:
I returned to Kuching and found out that almost everything has changed. Anxious about how things will work out itself within the next two months of summer holiday in hometown, the story continues, not from this year`s August but rather from a few years back.
"The past will always be there. And the past will never change. The only thing we can do is try and change the present for a better future. The only thing we can do is try to enjoy the present and find a silver lining in everything we encounter. Blessing in disguise, as some might say. I am counting my blessings everyday"
Kuching
15th August 2007
You can ask anyone that knows me and they will tell you that I probably have no fear. I am not afraid of speaking in public. I am not afraid of heights. In fact, I absolutely love rollercosters. I am not afraid of making a fool out of myself. Not that I don’t regret some of the stupid stunts I pulled like making a screeching Pikachu voice while I was in form 1 or the time I pretended to be a drake queen during a business presentation thinking that will capture people’s attention or the time that …okay, you do get the point (you do get the point right? i don't wish to go on and on with my wall of shame). I am not afraid of things. But if there is one thing that I am most afraid of it is commitment. The fear of knowing that these wings can no longer fly free .
If I were to be a psychologist (like Freud (my English teacher brought up his time several times last semester when discussing American history)), I will say that it was due to the fact that I grew up without a father. So I am used to doing everything on my own. Of course, this meant that I had no one to fall back on but it also meant that there was no one to hold me back as well. So at any point, I find myself caught up in a net (free the whales, go hayden!), I will start to panic. And this was exactly the case with me and relationships. Let’s look back at things that have happened so far.
Kuching
December 2004
Example no 1. Went to an ice carving festival with a girl. Found out that she likes me and decided to drive her to school. Realized that I didn't like her more than just a friend, I decided to be a gentleman, and called her the next day and said ‘tyre puncture. Sorry’ then called another Dominic to drive him to school. Since then, have not contacted her. (Thank god, I didn't give her this blog address, or else she would kill me. If she could find me, that is)
Kuching
January to June 2005
Example no 2. Went out with this girl for a month. Brought her to visit friends’ house during Hari Raya and brought her to friend’s party. In the car, she said that she had never went out with a guy before although many had asked her out. Thought that she was trying to tell me that I should lay off then realized how stupid I was for not closing the deal there and then. Still went out with her although the status was vague. Then finally, received scholarship offer and I disappeared for good.
Tokyo, Japan
January 2007
Example no 3. Knew this girl since I was 18. Funny girl. A bit loony but smart and pretty as well. Had this nasty relationship with another guy and when she finally ended it while she was in Japan, I managed to court her. It all happened on the rooftop. I asked the question and she said yes. The next morning I woke up, in sweats. Scared to death, I broke up after 18 hours. That was the longest relationship I’ve ever been in. (she got back with the evil man (or katak which means frog in Malay), if you must know)
Tokyo, Japan
Sometime in 2002
Example no 4. This had to be the funniest one of all. Knew this girl since I was 14. Sweet girl. Caring. Charming. Amazing. Great with music. Great with kids. Great with everything. Had a crush on her when I was 14. Dominic’s cousin btw. She was the first girl that got me nervous. Was once left with her in a room and all of a sudden, I went cuckoo. Needed to do something but didn’t know what to do.
So, instead, I went outside and stepped on branches.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
Tokyo, Japan
December 2006
Found out 5 years later when I was in Tokyo, during an MSN conversation that she did had a crush on me as well. It was mutual after all and Dominic knew as well but didn’t bother telling me. Decided to let bygones be bygones and started fresh.
After chatting for a few months, I asked her if she was interested in long distance relationship. She said not sure and that she’ll think about it. I was like, ‘thank god’. Then she popped the question a month later, and I THOUGHT I said ‘let me think about it’. Since then didn’t hear from her since.
Hiyoshi, Kanagawa, Japan
March 2007
I asked her why she stopped talking to me and she asked me if I remembered my answer when she popped the question. Said no and she sent me a copy of our conversation that day. As it turned out, she asked if I was interested and I answered ‘sorry, not single anymore. Seeing someone’. My jaws dropped to the ground. (After picking my jaws back up,) I went what the heck. Why would I lied? Then it all makes sense. All the previous examples popped into my mind and I realized my worst fear. Commitments. Freak.
Kuching
August 2007
So yeah, all those were few of the examples I could think of. Upon returning to Japan, I began to see Example no 4 (Cait..hehe) again. Felt really bad for the way I left things. So we went out again. To be honest with you, during our first outing, I wasn’t even sure of our status, so I just assumed we were friends. We went for a drink then decided to drive all the way to the airport to try the new Starbucks cause we couldn’t think of another thing to do. The night went bad. My jokes were dry. My throat was constantly dry. So I constantly had to drink. The atmosphere was dry. God, please give me a sign…I pleaded quietly in my heart. And then the sign came. Let me rephrase that, the signS came.
As we walked out of the airport and towards my mum’s new black car, I couldn’t believe my eyes. This could go down as one of the more prominent moments in my life. As I look at my car, I see a stretch of white signs on the car. Signs from the above. They were indeed signs from the above. They were bird poops from the birds that was sitting on a steel on the roof of the airport bridge on top of where my car was parked. Of the many cars there, the only car that was pooped at was my car. I felt honored and proud at the same time. The one great thing that happened though was the two of us laughed. It was serendipity I guess.
Since that day, we went out for a few times. And each time, I felt more and more comfortable. Of course, I still felt like running away. I always do, especially when something good is happening to me. I am narsistic in a way. And finally one day, while in my cousin’s house, while he was fixing his gundam, I messaged her and asked her if she was willing to give this relationship a try. It took quite a few moments before I get the reply. But when I finally got it, it was worth the wait. It was a yes. My trip back to Kuching so far has been nothing but new experiences. My trip back has been about changes. And this time, a good change has come my way. A beautiful change. I am no longer single.
But owh no, here comes the hard part. The runaway scene.
Coming Up Next
I ran away to KL. Well, sorta ran away.
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