First Steps

The End Of This Blog

2008-12-25T11:03:00.008+09:00

So I know I started First Steps a few months back but lately life had become so hectic that I could barely keep up a blog. Here's why.

On September 17th, I participated in a contest where you're supposed to submit idea for a TV show. All you had to do was write five sentences about your idea and if they like the idea, they will call you and give you RM 3 000 but with the condition that you will present the idea to them. I sent in two ideas. Barely any thinking was involved. Within 5 minutes, I sent in both ideas. I could barely remember what the titles were. I saw the ad for the contest once only on TV3 btw. I don't even normally watch TV3. LOL.

On the first week of October, I was asked to emcee this Hari Raya event which would be attended by the Malaysian Ambassador and the managers of Mitco Japan (a Petronas branch in Japan) and other Petronas scholars. This was my first time hosting an event with a script so I didn't do very well. I HATE scripts. LOL.

On the second week of October, I found out that I was among the 20 shortlisted people for the TV show idea competition. The best part was when the lady told me the title of my drama, I could not even recognise it. As I thought of the title in a hurry, there were no memories of it. As it turned out I named my drama A Rojak Life.

Excited over the prospect of creating a TV show, my brain went into overdrive and I called Iman to tell her the good news. That day, I had to go teach English to some fellow so during the one hour train ride, I began to scribble down the ideas. Before I knew it, I had the titles of 13 episodes and had the draft of 6 episodes already. On the way back from teaching the fellow, I managed to finish the remaining 7 episodes. Later that night, I began typing the first episode. As I had to present in the second week of November, I knew I only had 1 month to juggle school, script and work. So every night, I worked on one or two episodes. At times, I was so overwhelmed with emotion as some of the scenes in the drama were extremely personal.

On the second week of November, after one week of script writing, one week of falling ill, one week of getting feedback, I headed back to Kuching. As I had RM 3000 just from being chosen as the finalists, I didn't worry that much about the flight cost and stuff.

The funniest thing was that the cheapest ticket back to Kuala Lumpur transited at Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam. Vietnam was a crazy-crazy-crazy place. People were honking left and right without a valid reason. I thought I was a courageous person until I arrived at Ho Chi Minh. I didn't have the guts to cross the road as there were no traffic lights and the vehicles kept moving. Finally, I muster my courage and cross the road with the other Vietnamese. I thought to myself even if I die, at least I have company to heaven. Or maybe we'll accompany each other half way until the junction to either heaven or hell. And if I don't die and do get involved in an accident, at least I have someone to chat with in the ambulance. LOL.

So anyways, after Vietnam, I went to KL then back to Kuching. In Kuching, I began my hunt for the clothes that I was going to wear to the presentation. I had a specific idea in my head what I wanted to wear. A sweater on a long sleeve shirt with jeans. Looking for the sweater was difficult as while that fashion is currently the trend in Japan and US, it's still not that popular in Malaysia. I finally found an Emilio Valentino sweater though. I also found a backpack that I liked.

Knowing that a script with 13 episodes wasn't enough, I knew I had to come up with a teaser. I was however, extremely realistic and didn't want to be too ambitious. I finally managed to come up with an idea that was do-able and wouldn't be too time consuming. I finally came up with the idea of just focusing on the different aspects of Daniel's life and how he struggles to stay true to his identity. within three days, I managed to come up with two posters and one teaser. The teaser took almost 100 takes as my cousins (aged 11 to 15) could not stop laughing. Sigh...never leave a job meant for pro to amateurs..lol...

November 13th, I was supposed to arrive at 0001 am but thanks to the efficiency of Air Asia, I arrived at 0101. The best part was when I reached my hotel I had fever and was hallucinating already. And I still have to figure out what I was going to say in 9 hours time. After taking a short three hour nap, I woke up still dizzy and stuff. I had to prepare the handouts and stuff so it took me a good two hours. When I arrived at the hotel which was freaking freezing cold, I was surprised to see that the people there were extremely interesting. None of them were shy and all of them, had a solid idea. Shivering in cold, I drank lots of coffee and tried to thought out the script.

By the time it was my turn though, the script completely went out the window and I presented from my heart instead. Hehehehe..that has to be one of the most cliche sentences ever...I went overtime..No, that's not accurate. I ran two laps past the clock, instead of presenting for 5 minutes, I presented for 10 minutes. I thought to myself, crap. There goes my chance. But at least I still had the RM 3k.

Remaining November, while waiting for the result, I continued to work at the Malaysian restaurant ( I quit the post office job). After working there for a month, I was promoted to become hall chief in November. Being the youngest person there, people found it difficult to take me seriously. And some of the more experienced workers were annoyed at me being promoted but it's not my fault they never bother to learn the management stuffs. I took initiatives and my actions paid off. I however, began to change my method with them. I tried the inspiring them to work method. It worked. If you want them to do the job, do it yourself, get down and dirty and show them that they are not working for you, but working with you. Damn, those cliche sayings are actually true.

Early December, the drama class I took began practicing full swing for the year end drama that would be performed in front of a live audience. We were practicing for about 3 to 4 hours everyday. The teacher chose California Suite by Neil Simon and I played Billy while this other Chinese foreing student played Hannah in the first scene. I was also responsible for the brochure, invitation card and also, sound effect. After months of intensive practice, finally a week before the play, posters were put up around campus.

On the actual day of the drama, we had about 30 audience on the first day and about 40 audienec on the second day. Everythign went smoothly and after the play on the second day, which was the last day, we went for a drink.

Third week of December, I dont't know how but somehow I ended up being responsible for organising a year end party for the foreign language lounge members at my university. Never planned a party before, I began to freak out but luckily one of the Japanese girls who was studying Bristol but was coming back to Japan for the holiday, assured me everything was fine. As it turned out, on the actual day itself everything was indeed fine. We had a first party (一次会）at a Japanese restaurant. Then we had a second party at 10 pm at a British Pub. Then we had a third party at 11 at a Japanese karaoke. One of the Japanese fellow could not catch the last train back so he stayed over at my place.

The day after the party which was yesterday, the result for the Big Idea (the tv show idea) contest was announced in a ceremony in Sri Pentas, Kuala Lumpur. I could not go so instead Nadiah's mother went on my behalf. I was told by the organiser, Zher Peen to prepare a webcam if possible, just in case I won, which I thought was unlikely. I bought one that morning anyway. The ceremony started at 10 am. At that time, I was eating instant noodles while watching Friends' bloopers on YouTube.

After 1 hour, I still have not received any call so I immediately assumed that I lost. However, just as I finished my noodle, Ina Mora (a person who I don't know) messaged me on Skype and asked me to call Zher Peen. I called Zher Peen and she passed me on to Nadiah's mother. I FREAKING WON THE DAMN THING!! I WON RM 20 K !!! What the fuck ( i use fuck only on big occasions) !!! At least two television stations were interested. WOAAAA!! They interviewed me live through Skype. We had some technical (actualy a lot of technical problems) at first but eventually we got the conversation going. I immediately told all those friends who believed in my crazy idea and thanked them. Iman, Nadiah, Yin Nin, Ihsan, Muz (could not contact you lha...you were in UK) thanks man.

I don't know if I will be involved in the development of the drama series but I sure hope I will be. Anyways, this coming Saturday, I'll have to host this grand Malaysian night with Iman so I am pretty nervous cause I haven't figure out what to say yet. With all this going on in my life, I don't think I have time to blog anymore.

In 2009, I will write at least one more script and will try and produce the music I wrote. I also plan to quit my job and change to something different for the sake of experience. I also want to apply to be on the Amazing Race Asia and lots more. I'll also want to visit Manila and Jakarta (which I will in February and March), Yangon, Brunei, Phnom Penh and Laos as well. With that, I would have stepped foot on all Southeast Asean countries except for East Timor.

Crap, 2009 is going to be the year, I'll be slammed in the face by many doors, but at the same time, I hope, I sincerely do, that at least some of the things I plan will come true. To come to think of it, this time last year, I was feeling down when I found out that I had an elder sister that was given up for adoption. But I moved on and I made the best out of what I had. Thanks to all those who have been very supportive and I hope you'll hear more about me in future. Alrighty, with that, this is the end of this blog.

Thanks guys. Bye.

Sincerely Naza / Nicky

First steps S01E04 : Circumcision / かつれい

2008-10-10T02:24:00.002+09:00

September 22nd, Monday (Afternoon)

After returning from the cyber cafe, where I spent the night as it was raining way too heavily to walk back home, I was all worn out and extremely tired. I had to get going in three hours time, so in Naza style, I took an hour nap which turned out to be a two hour nap. After I woke up, I proceeded to take a free shower at a nearby dormitory as my water supply has not been reconnected yet. The little things in life that you take for granted...sigh....

Anyways, after a nice shower, I went to school to meet Lily to practice our script for the drama camp we were having today and tomorrow. After about an hour of practice, we went to the university's K2 House which is located half an hour away. It's sort of like a summer house where students get to stay the night to practice for events and what not. There were 9 of us, that attended the drama camp. Six boys and three girls, including one teacher. The boys bunked in two separate rooms, divided by age. The older boys who were in their fourth year and the the younger boys, me included who were in their second year. The girls bunked in one room while the teacher had a room all to herself.

Personally, I enjoyed camps like this cause you get to socialise outside of the classroom but the main problem I kept having in such camps, is that language is constantly a barrier especially when you're talking about things outside of class where the vocabulary is so random. Most of the time when the Japanese joke, all I could do was smile and pretend I know the joke. It definitely takes a toll on your self esteem but I guess that is what most people go through when they are communicating in their second ( in my case, fourth or fifth) language. Wouldn't it be nice if all of us were to be programmed like a computer where we can just insert a chip and we'll be able to communicate fluently in a foreign language. Lol..wishful thinking I guess...

Anyways, after 6 long hours of script rehearsal (we're performing the play on December 18th and 19th in front of a large audience (when large, I mean 30 to 40), the play was written by Neil Simon and it's entitled California suite), where for the first time in my life, the teacher actually taught the students how to swear properly (??), we went for dinner. At dinner, like always, I'm blur when it comes to half the topic of conversations but I held strong although half of me is dying to go back home and curl up in a nice comfy bed. The nice thing about the dinner though was that for the first time, we get to learn something more about each other. Not as a student, but as a person. They asked about my reason for coming to Japan, how I fit in to Japanese society and stuffs. It was nice to have people wanting to know more about you, I would think.

After dinner, we had the infamous 二次会 (which is a custom in Japan, something like an after party) at the K2 house. We played games, talked and laughed. The highlight of the whole party has to be the two hour conversation on circumcision. The Japanese were so interested in the whole Jewish and Muslim circumcision process that they actually spent two hours talking and laughing about it. The girls actually participated actively in the conversation. It felt like for the first time, it didn't matter whether you're a foreigner or Japanese, man or woman, everyone could talk freely without fear of being judged. Even in Malaysia, I never had a conversation on this topic before so it was interesting having to talk about this in what is supposed to be a conservative, traditional Eastern country.

After the after party, all of us went to bed at about 2 am. Before going to bed, me and this other friend from the same faculty talked about travelling to different countries. Hearing his stories on his travel to several countries in Europe made me reminisce about my trip to Bangkok. I began to long for an adventure. So I asked him if he was interested in having a road trip to the southern island of Japan (Fukuoka) and from there we could take a ferry to South Korea. Surprisingly, he was up for it and we decided to carry out the trip in February or March. I am not sure if he rememebered the trip as he was half drunk. LOL. I'll ask him again sometime in December.

The night ended in a high and three days back in Japan, I felt satisfied with what I have accomplished. My water supply will be returning tomorrow and owh before I forget, I got reply from one of the jobs I applied for. It's the one for the Malaysian restaurant. I am expected to have an interview this coming Friday. Hope it goes well cause God knows, I don't want to get back to the post office.

Coming up next :
Job interview reveals something about the job that gets Naza wondering where his moreal boundaries are....

First Steps S01E03 : Shower and Rain

2008-10-02T23:18:00.005+09:00

"I am prepared for the prospect of having to fight for my extension contract with the post office. It I had to, I guess I would. But I am still having my fingers crossed"

September 21st, Sunday

I must admit that after arriving in Japan yesterday, life here has been rather lonely. The one good thing that I am looking for is the drama camp I'll be having tomorrow, which happens to be compulsory, which is the only reason why I had to come back to Japan this early instead of spending extra days in Malaysia to celebrate Aidilfitri.

So after my part time job, whilst walking back to my home, I recalled the problem of not having any water to shower so I began to panic. Luckily I remembered this student's dormitory for my university which was located along the way from the train station to my house. I thought that a student dormitory must have at least a shower room. Or more accurately, I was praying that the student dormitory would have a shower room. So I went into the building non chalantly, pretending that I was a resident there, and began my search. First floor, nothing. Second floor, nothing. Third floor, nothing. By this time. hope was dying already. Fourth floor, nothing. But wait, there's a floor directory located near the elevator on the fourth floor. As it turned out, on the basement floor, there is a shower room located next to the gym (wait, they have gym too?!!. I should have stayed there). I went to check it out and true enough, they did have a shower room.

Overwhelmed with joy, I proceeded to the closest 7 eleven shop and bought shampoo, conditioner, soap and tooth paste.

After packing my clothes and towel, I went to the dormitory and showered at the shower room. If I had any doubts that I was in Japan, the doubts were all cleared. After my shower, the moment I went out, I realised I was out of place cause I had towel around my waste. Everyone there was naked. I meant EVERY single person there, except me. And yet, most Japanese have problem expressing their points of view despite having to show everything that is on the outside already. Sigh...

Anyways, after shower, I felt refreshed like a brand new person. Next agenda, sleep.

September 22nd, Monday

So after sleeping for about 10 hours the day before, I woke up at around 6 pm on Sunday. Immediately after that, I called up Lily (she`s from China and she`s my drama partner. Each pair were assigned a script for a play that we were going to perform this November) and asked if she wanted to practice tonight. She said yes, I said yeay, mainly because I was in dire need of some form of social conversation.

At around 10 pm Sunday, we met up at the lounge of her dorm. Our practice was way longer than we anticipated. It took us 4 hours to finish half the script. Most of the time, we were laughing and joking about things that had nothing to do with the script though. So as it was already 2 am, and we had to go to our camp at around noon today, we decided to call it quits and meet around 11 the day after.

On the way back from her dorm to my house, which is a good 20 minutes, rain began to pour. As much as I wanted to shower, that wasn't how I wanted to shower. So desperately needing a place to crash, I went to this 24/7 cyber cafe. In Japan. most of the cyber cafes function as a place for people to read comic books, watch videos and everything else. Drinks are complimentary btw. So since I had time to burn, I began to youtube. Then, I googled random stuffs and checked my email. Then, I began to look for job online.

I decided that this time, I would try and look for more jobs that requires English. The problem though was that I am not a native English speaker thus putting myself at a huge disadvantage. Nonetheless, I tried and applied for almost 20 teaching jobs. Some at kindergarden, some at primary school and some as English conversation partners. However, some time near the end of my search, I found this Malaysian restaurant that is currently hiring staffs. Running out of options, I applied for that as well and fingers crossed, I'll get it.

In the mean time, however, I am prepared for the prospect of having to fight for my extension contract with the post office. It I had to, I guess I would. But I am still having my fingers crossed, that at least I'll have options if any of the jobs I applied for is available.

Coming up next
A job is offered but it comes with a compromise. Is the sacrifice worth it or is it better to stick to the post office job.

First steps S01E02 : The Right or Wrong Post for Me?

2008-10-02T21:08:00.005+09:00

"The moment I heard the news, all I could think of was do I really want to continue this job or would I be better off elsewhere. Somewhere where I am less miserable"

September 20th, Saturday

So after having a good four hour sleep, I woke up at around 4p.m to knocks on my door. When I opened my door, I saw three perfect strangers (a man, a woman and a girl in her teens, I am guessing that they are a family) standing outside my door. Most importantly, I realised that I was raining and all I could see was my poor pillows wet and my bed sheet soaked. As it turned out, they knocked to tell me to bring in my pillows and bed sheet. As grateful as I was, there was nothing else I could do. In autumn, it's almost impossible to dry your laundry indoors so I placed my pillows on top of my fridge and could bother less about them.

As I had four hours to waste before going to my part time job at a post office, located 30 minutes away by train, I reminded myself of the changes I promised. One of the changes was to not procrastinate anymore. So UNWILLINGLY, I arranged all the food I brought back from Malaysia which by the way, weights up to a total of 35 kgs. Arranging the food sort of brought me joy to what would have been a stressful day so far (that and probably the some sleep I managed to get) as I got to scheme through the different flavors of instant noodles I brought. It was almost theraupetic. After two hours of cleaning up my room, I sat in my room while staring at the wall, wondering what to do next. As I cannot shower and could not watch TV (cause I don't have one) nor could I cook for dinner (cause no gas), I decided that maybe I should just eat out.

After a quick change of clothes, I went to this tempura shop to have dinner. Ahhh...the few things I missed while I was gone, tempura...Despite the food being absolutely spot on for a good price of RM 24 per bowl, I was still terribly uncomfortable cause I have not showered for one whole day. I never understood how people can go on without showering for days.

Anyways, by the time I finished my food it was already 7 and it was two more hours before my part time job began. In an attempt to waste time, I walked around the area, window shopping and by the time it was an hour before my job starts, I board the train.

My arrival at my baito-saki (Japanese for my work place) was not exactly warmly welcomed. After being absent for the past two months (as I went back to Malaysia), people were shocked to see me. After the initial where have you been conversations, there was that usual awkward silence. This is exaclty why I never liked to take the elevators. You never quite know what to say to the strangers you meet.

Here's a bit of info about my job. I work at a post office where my job were to divide the parcels according to its destinations. I work from 9.45 pm at night to 6.30 am in the morning. I work three days a week, mainly Tuesday, Friday and Saturday. The job itself is not actually that tiring but the social bit is slightly difficult. Being handicapped as you don't speak native Japanese, most of the time, most of the Japanese tend to avoid talking to you. The only few who talked to me were either plain polite or had learnt to speak malay out of interest. I thought of changing my job but the pay was good, probably due to it being late night job and long hours.

However, that night, the guy who spoke a little Malay walked up to me and said that the supervisor had informed him that a letter had been sent to me to inform me that I will be laid off starting October 2008 as I was not around to sign my extension of employment contract. This was a little bit odd to me as I had informed them that I would be back in Malaysia for two months, and if that was unacceptable, they shouldn't have approved it. And if they approved it, then they shouldn't expect me to be around to sign the contract. They should at least wait for my arrival. The guy who spoke a little malay ( as the guy who spoke a little Malay is a little bit mouthful, let's just call him KC, which by the way is his actual nick name), KC, urged me to fight for my rights. He told me to go to the labor union if I had to. I was like...owkieee....I am not sure if I wanted to create that big of a mess...

The moment I heard the news, all I could think of was do I really want to continue this job or would I be better off elsewhere. Somewhere where I am less miserable. I do need the money thought to dig my way out of this financial mess...but would it be worth it if I had to work long hours without any social interaction and be an emotional mess? Hmmm...maybe change is coming to me without me going to it.

Coming up next
Faced with a dilema, I began to seek options. At this point, anything would do. The question, is it really that anything will do?

First Steps S01E01 : Delays and Suspensions

2008-10-02T20:40:00.005+09:00

"I was already tired and worn out. I just crashed on my bed and slept on my winter coat. I just have to deal with the rest when I woke up."

September 19th, Friday (1900 hours to 0300hours)

I boarded the flight from Kuching to Kuala Lumpur to wait for my connection flight to Narita, Japan. In the flight, I was psyching myself up for my arrival in Japan. So much that I wanted to do and so much that I wanted to undo. It's time for a breath of fresh air I thought.

However, as life has always been, a curveball was thrown at me even before I arrived in Japan. Upon arrival at KL International Airport at 8.30 p.m., I was told that my flight has been delayed for one and a half hour to 1 a.m. Great, now I have 4 hours and a half to spend in an airport with limited budget. So while strolling up and down that bloody airport, I decided to go back to the information counter for confirmation. When I arrived at the counter, this Indian lady was also asking the counter about the flight and as it turned out, she was on her own. Imagine a poor lady in her 60s having to spend her night at the airport on her own. Since I myself am lonely, it only made sense to wait together.

So as we waited for our flight to depart, I got the opportunity to learn more about her. Apparently, she studied in India and now she is visiting her children who are working in the US. Whilst I only have a 6 hours flight to catch, she will be spending her whole day in a plane. We chatted for quite some time and before we realised it, it was already time to board the flight. Or so we thought.
While waiting at the boarding gate, the worst possible (well maybe not the worst, but the second worst) thing happened. Due to typhoon, the flight was delayed for another two hours. But Malaysia Airlines were kind enough to provide us with refreshment vouchers. However, most of the restaurants in the terminal were closed and those which were still open, had very limited choices. Well, beggars can be choosers I guess.

Eventually, after one and a half hour passed by, we boarded the flight. After strutting for almost 6 hours in the airport, we finally left Kuala Lumpur and headed to Japan. Now that we're back on track, I would like to hit the grounds of Japan running.

September 20th, Saturday (0900 hours to 1200hours)

Upon arrival to Tokyo, I had to take a two hour train to the station nearest to my home. It wasn't that bad though as I only had to change train once and I slept through most of the journey. When I arrived at the station nearest to home, I was too damn tired to walk with my two bags home so I took the taxi. That turned out to be a pretty bad idea, cause while I was lifting my bag up to put in the back of the taxi, the handle broke. Sigh...at least, I am almost home, I thought to myself.

After a few minutes of taxi ride, I finally arrived home. I felt a huge relief but that was of course, before I walked in through the door. When I entered home, I wanted to cry. If I could, I would have cried a river. First, my water supply has been temporarily suspended. Secondly, my gas supply was also suspended. Third, my internet service has been temporarily suspended. And fourth, for some reason, fungi were growing on my bed sheets and my pillow cases. I took a deep breath, and called up the waterworks and the internet service provider. As it turned out, it doesn't how advanced Japan is, if it's saturday, it's saturday. I won't be able to get my service back until monday. As for my bed sheets and pillow cases, I placed them in the laundry basket. However, my pillows also smelled funny and there were no chance in hell, I would be able to sleep on it so the only thing left to do was to put all of them out to dry.

As fatigue began to take its toll, I could barely do anything anymore. I had not slept on a real bed for the past 36 hours. I was already tired and worn out. I just crashed on my bed and slept on my winter coat. I just have to deal with the rest when I woke up.

Coming up next:
Saturday's ain't over as problems kept popping up..but with every problem, there is usually a silver lining...usually

First Steps S01E00 : Twenty One Years Ago

2008-09-24T15:09:00.005+09:00

Twenty years ago, a boy was born. He came into the world with nothing in his hands and he had nothing to lose but his life. Along the road, he walked, he crawled and he learnt about things out of curiosity. However, more importantly, along the road, he changed. At first, he changed to become like his parents. He spoke the words his parents spoke and he ate the food his parents ate. Eventually, he changed some more to fit into society. He wore the clothes the societies thought were acceptable and he did the things the society thought was morally justified.

But, it was not long before he realised that living a world as a fish among fishes had no meaning. It gave him no satisfaction and his life became mundane. And so, as time pass by, he eventually change to become himself, in other words, different, or to use a better word, special. He changed to become special. He attained a new identity. He was no longer a fish. Nor is he a shark. He is himself.

However, things are slightly different from 21 years ago. 21 years ago, he could change and not lose a single thing. 21 years ago, every change is a gain. But now, each change has its price. Each change comes with its own sets of losses and gains. With every change of career, is a change of income and stability. How much is he willing to lose to gain the changes he desires?

My mother used to say a person cannot change who he is. I used to answer back to her, that if that is the case, this world has no hope and I refuse to believe that you are right. And this is me, doing all I can to prove the sceptics wrong.

There are no books in this world that says that a person must stay the same 24 / 7. Life is filled with ups and downs and with each ups and downs, you are supposed to learn something new and become a better person. God has plans for us and until we uncover what that plan is, I would want to equip myself with all things possible. That includes, health, knowledge, conscience, dignity and friends. And I hope you will too.

The following posts will follow the life of this boy as he learns the things he can and cannot change. This following posts will be the things I would look back in many years time. Hopefully, when that day comes, I can read back and feel proud of the things I did right and not regret every little mistake I did wrong.

So here I am. May 2009 be the begining of the many changes I would bring to my life.

New Look...New Posts...

2008-09-17T03:45:00.001+09:00

it's been a while since i last posted anything on my blog.

after few months gone, i'm happy to announce that this blog will be back with more new posts by October 2008. i'll try and blog regularly and as you may have noticed, there will be some minor changes to the blog.

anyways, let's make the remaining months of 2008 the best months of 2008.

sincerely
naza

Songs On My Ipod Playlist Now

2008-04-20T00:50:00.003+09:00

It's been a while since I blogged about any song at all. So instead of giving a long introduction for the songs that I am listening to, I guess it would be easier just to post my playlist here.

almost here / Brian McFadden and Delta Goodrem
ain't no party / Orson
baby goodbye / Friday Hill
bang on the piano / Jack McManus
believe me / Fort Minor
better in time / Leona Lewis
bleeding love / Leona Lewis
breaking free / Zac Efron and Vanessa Anne Hudgens
breathe in / Lucie Silvas
can't speak french / Girls Aloud
chick fit / All Saints
denial / Sugababes
footprints in the sand / Leona Lewis
four minutes / Madonna featuring Justin Timberlake and Timbaland
hero heroine / Boys Like Girls
high / James Blunt
hope / Jack Johnson
how to save a life / The Fray
i'm yours / Jason Mraz
innocent / Our Lady Peace
is it you / Cassie
leavin' / Jesse Mccartney
like only a woman can / Brian McFadden
lost / Michael Buble
love in this club / Usher featuring Young Jeezy
mercy / Duffy
merry happy / Kate Nash
move on / David Jordan
never gonna dance again / Sugababes
next to me / Shayne Ward
no air / Jordan Sparks featuring Chris Brown
nude / Radiohead
one love / Blue
piece of me / Britney Spears
pocketful of sunshine / Natasha Bedingfield
scream / Timbaland feat Nicole Schwerzinger and someone
seasons of love / Rent Soundtrack
stop and stare / One Republic
sundress / Ben Kweller
superstar / Lupe Fiasco
that's not my name / The Ting Tings
the last goodbye / Atomic Kitten
the way that i love you / Ashanti
things that never cross a man's mind / Kellie Pickler
touch my body / Mariah Carey
we weren't crazy / Josh Gracin
your love is a lie / Simple Plan

some of the songs are available on the playlist below. feel free to have a listen.

Turning 2.1 Series Finale of Turning 2.0

2008-04-18T11:07:00.002+09:00

So here it goes. This will be a very short series finale. After blogging for a year or so, this blog is finally coming to an end. Well, maybe not the whole blog but this series itself. So basically I just celebrated my 21st birthday and in a way, the day started off and almost ended in a way that wasn`t me at all.

I am not at all the festive guy, the guy who wants his birthday to be celebrated in a big way, in other words in a lame way. However, unfortunate for me, the Chinese culture (or at least my family said so) requires the 21st birthday to be celebrated grandly. Sigh...so my mum threw this birthday party for me. I tried to suggest switching the traditional birthday cake with pancakes (to be precise 21 pieces of pancakes) but she rejected it. So the birthday proceeded according to her plan. To be honest, the only thing I was looking forward to was the end of the party. I did appreciate the guests who came though. People I care about and love.

So right after the dinner party, I decided to go to my cousin`s house to play monopoly. Something I was looking forward to, funnily enough. So on the way there, I hit a hole and my tyre got punctured. Now, under normal circumstances, this is supposed to be bad thing but for me, it was amazing. I never had to experience a punctured tyre before so it was my first.

The only problem was I didnt know what to do so I called...my mum. My mum said she would be there in half an hour. So while waiting, I decided to play around with the tools. Attempt no 1, I think I damaged the door of the car. Attempt no 2, I think I may have damaged the engine of the car. Attempt no 3, I think I may have damaged the engine further. Attempt no 4, could not get to attempt no 4 cause my mum arrived. A huge bummer. My step dad came a long as well and he replaced the punctured tyre. To be honest with you, that is the closest to a father and son relationship as I will have with that guy. And it was a good experience. I learnt a new thing. How to change a tyre. And it felt good.

So basically, although it may not be typical, the series finale of turning 2.0 is about a punctured tyre. What is there to do after this post? Start a new post. Yeah, definitely. So from the next post onwards, it would be of random topics. Maybe about losing weight, gaining weight, learning to act, learning to dance, learning to talk slower or anything like that. So until then, see ya. Tata. Bye bye. Sayonara. Hmm...再見.

If Tomorow Never Comes (Ronan Keating)

2008-03-20T05:58:00.006+09:00

There's been several reasons why I decided not to blog for the past few months...let's look into the reasons one at a time.

THE FIRST REASON

I've been blogging all these while almost certain that the few chapters I blogged about will be the only few things worth blogging about my life. I was so certain that by Chapter 11, everything would have come to an end. I guess I thought wrong. After Chapter 7, I discovered something new about my life. More accurately about the past before my birth. But as I have yet learn the best way to deal with this, I shall leave this out of my blog. Instead, I would just deal with it sometime later in my life. But the one thing I can say about this whole situation is that I am blessed that I lead a slightly more interesting life than others with my own ordeals to deal with. I've grown a lot but I think that for the moment I need to go through these growths on my own before I get to blog about them. Who knows maybe there will be a Season 3.1 when I turn 31. LOL.

THE SECOND REASON
I've been swamped with things to do ever since I came back to Kuching a month ago. On top of my every day running around doing chores, I also had to plan a supposedly 12 day trip to Singapore and Bangkok. I will blog about that further down the line, which is supposed to premiere around next week. Right before my birthday....Hehehe presents please, friends.

With that said, here are all of the other chapters for Turning 2.0 except for the last two chapters which should premier around next week. Right before my birthday...Yeap, ur not experiencing deja vu. I am desperately trying to remind you my birthday is next week. Till then, see ya.

Turning 2.0 Season 3 Chapter 8 : Leaving On A Jet Plan (Chantal What's-Her-Name)

2008-03-20T05:58:00.003+09:00

Previously:
After the trip back to Kuching ended with an odd handshake, Naza (which means me) struggle to get my senses back. This was supposed to be posted a long time ago..so my apologies. Back to Turning 2.0.

"The past will always be there. And the past will never change. The only thing we can do is try and change the present for a better future. The only thing we can do is try to enjoy the present and find a silver lining in everything we encounter. Blessing in disguise, as some might say. I am counting my blessings everyday"

After one of the most stupid moments in my life, I could not help but to feel like a complete moron. As I walked towards my plane, all I could say to myself was stupid, stupid, stupid. I could not believe I just bid farewell to Caitlyn by shaking her hand. I might as well typed out a certificate that said “Goodbye, farewell” or give her a postcard that said “Best of luck”. To come to think of it, those two ideas would have been more appropriate than a hand shake.

The flight from Kuching to Kuala Lumpur

Departing at the new Kuching airport, it began to hit me on how my trip back to Kuching ended up to be everything I didn’t expect it to be but somehow it still felt wonderful. I didn’t expect to start something with Caitlyn when I came back. I did expect to start a relationship but what I had in mind was a relationship with my real father’s family. Something that I did not manage to accomplish. I didn’t expect to meet Jerry and Azeezul and hang out with them every night, but I’m glad that it did happen. I certainly did not expect to gain 5kg cause my cousin told me were going jogging every morning. The 5kg happened but the jogging never once occurred. However, in the flight from Kuching to Kuala Lumpur, I knew that somehow, I managed to accomplish something this time around. I guessed I did achieve some personal growth.

As the flight took off, I still couldn’t get over the foolish hand shake. Stupid, stupid me.

As I arrived at the Kuala Lumpur International Airport, my eyes wondered around for Ihsan and Iman. We were supposed to be on the same flight. Since it was way too early, I decided to go and grab a bite. Oddly enough, I was not hungry at all. Nothing seemed to be appetizing. At that point, I could have swore that an alien has invaded my body. I didn’t feel hungry which could only mean one thing. I was not myself. How can Naza be not hungry? That just didn’t make any sense. I finally forced myself to chow down a McDonald’s beef burger trying to shoo the alien out.

As I walked around the airport, I couldn’t see anything that was interesting. There was nothing that I wanted to buy. Instead, I spent about half an hour sliding my way from one end of the airport to the other. Then it finally hit me, I need to call my family.

I called my mother first. I told her I arrived at Kuala Lumpur International Airport already and that I was waiting for Ihsan and Iman. She told me that my brother had been crying since he reached home. Ah……..my brother had finally grown up. He had become an adult. The art of not showing your emotion in front of others had been mastered. Sigh. My mother put my brother on the line and I talked to him for about a few minutes. After a while, he stopped sobbing. Then I talked to my sister. She seemed to be dealing with the whole departure better than my brother. Next person I called was Caitlyn. After the odd goodbye, the conversation was awkward. I said something and she said something. Words were exchanged but the only thing that was still lingering my mind was the stupid hand shake. Stupid, stupid me.

As my flight was about to board, I said my goodbye and went to the departure gate. Still no signs of Iman and Ihsan. Where the hell are they, I said to myself.

The flight from Kuala Lumpur to Narita International Airport

After boarding the plane, I anxiously waited for the departure. As I sat in the plane, my eyes still wondered around for Ihsan and Iman. While looking for them, a thought finally hit me. I could not believe that I was going back to Japan and would be starting my second semester in university. Before I went back to Malaysia, I promised myself one thing. And that was I was going to have enough rest this whole summer back at my home town and by the time I returned to Japan, I would be ready to go to take the university by storm. I was determined to make the best out of my second semester.

The flight has been delayed for slightly 20 minutes. Apparently one of the passengers had not got on the flight. I was becoming more and more worried. Could it be that Iman or Ihsan missed the flight? My eyes began to wonder around even more. I finally caught a glimpse of Ihsan. He was also looking around. Could this mean that Iman missed the flight, I thought to myself. I was becoming more and more uneasy. Finally, I had enough and decided to get off my seat. I decided to go and ask Ihsan personally whether he had seen Iman or not. Something I should have done a long time ago since I boarded the flight. I went over and noticed his eyes were shut. In order to get his attention, I did what any sane man would do. I pinched his nose. He seemed slightly annoyed but what can I say, I was doing what anyone would expect Naza to do. LOL. I asked him about Iman and he said that Iman was sitting behind.

Feeling much more relaxed, I returned to my seat. The passenger who was late finally arrived and the flight could finally take off. As the flight took off, my mind started to wonder off. I was looking forward to my return to Japan. More importantly, I was looking forward to my return to prominence.

Turning 2.0 Season 3 Chapter 9 : Rootless Tree (Damien Rice)

2008-03-20T05:58:00.001+09:00

"The past will always be there. And the past will never change. The only thing we can do is try and change the present for a better future. The only thing we can do is try to enjoy the present and find a silver lining in everything we encounter. Blessing in disguise, as some might say. I am counting my blessings everyday"

4th October 2007

I went to bed with my eyes closed but my mind wide open. Just when I thought the rollercoaster had finally come to a stop, off it went again. I was so tired. I was so tired of the whole thing already.　I just want to sleep through it. I just want to forget about the whole thing and pray that when I wake up, this was all just a nightmare.

Earlier In the Day

Gosh, it was so hard to believe I’ve already been back to Japan for two weeks. With a new set of determination, I intended to make the best of things. I gave a smile to each and every person that crossed my path. I even tried to talk to the perfect stranger who was sitting in one or two of the lectures I took. The fresh enthusiasm was working out perfect for me. Everything seemed so much more amazing and pretty when you’re optimistic.

So right after my last class, I happily walked to the E-Lounge, a place where all Keio University students, staffs and lecturers are allowed to sit down and talk about anything in English. The guy who was responsible for the place was a nice character. He is an African American lecturer for the literature department. I went there regularly to enjoy a good conversation or just to meet new people. That day, I went there with the same old me.

After sitting there for about half an hour, I received a phone call. It was from my cousin. That was very odd because my cousin never called me from Malaysia before during that hour of the day. I picked up the phone and my cousin told me that my grandfather was suffering from a stroke. The news caught me by surprise but I thought well, my grandfather was an old man and things like these were bound to happen sooner or later. I decided not to let the news have the best of me cause I still had to attend a birthday dinner later at night.

After the birthday dinner, while walking back from the station to my home, I called my cousin again to check up on my grandfather. This time, I finally realized that it might no longer be a false alarm. My cousin told me that my grandfather had become senile and that he was mumbling things that no one could understand. To make matters worse, one of the monks (or someone similar to his ranks) told my family that my grandfather was standing on the top of a bridge and was ready to jump. This is a metaphor of course. There’s no actual river near my house. He said that it was all up to him now and that there was nothing else anyone could do to save my grandfather. My mind was too distracted by the fact that my grandfather might be kicking the bucket to be paying attention to all the mumbo jumbo. My cousin had to hang up all of a sudden. I was worried. I finally understood the magnitude of the situation.

Upon arriving home, I called my mother again. This time, she told me that my cousin was busy attending to his mother, my aunt as she had fainted. I could hear many voices in the background. My mum told me that every one had gathered to see my grandfather at my aunt’s house. As I spoke to my mum, I could hear the sadness in her voice. It was heartbreaking to hear her so sad. She might not have the best relationship with my grandfather for a very long time but I could tell that she had always cared about him.

To come to think of it, maybe there were many signs that were trying to hint me. When I returned back to Kuching, my grandfather was awfully cheerful. He was beaming from ear to ear. I drove him out twice with my cousin and my brother to go and buy things. Both times, he was happy and when we went to lunch, he was extremely nice to my brother. You may think it has got to be common for a grandfather to be nice to his grandchildren. Well, that wasn’t the case with my grandfather. Because of my stepfather, my grandfather had always been partial when it came to my brother and sister. It was obvious that he didn’t like them very much. But this time around, he was different. He was nice to him. And then there was one more thing. Right after I left Kuching, my grandfather called my mother over and said very nice things to her. It seemed like he, himself knew about this day already.

As I remembered all the good things that my grandfather did for me, I began to feel guilty for despising him all these years. For many years, I blamed him for treating my siblings poorly. For many years, I blamed him for the way he treated my mother. But for many years, I kept forgetting that he always cared and tried to be there for me. He was the one who always asked if my stepfather was being nice to me. He was the one who was always there when I grew up. I began to realize how big of hypocrite I became. I preached about forgiveness but I never forgave. I never forgave until that day. The day I finally realized that when I woke up the next day, he might not be around anymore. And the worse thing, I could not even be there when he bid his last farewell.

I went to bed with my eyes closed but my mind wide open. Just when I thought the rollercoaster had finally come to a stop, off I went again. I was so tired. I was so tired of the whole thing already. I felt so helpless. I just want to sleep through it. I just want to forget about the whole thing and pray that when I wake up, this was all just a nightmare. I went to bed praying that when I woke up the next day and call my mum, she would tell me that my grandfather is still around and still living and kicking. Hopefully.

(to be continued)

Turning 2.0 Season 3 Chapter 10 : Torn (Natalie Imbruglia)

2008-03-20T05:57:00.001+09:00

"The past will always be there. And the past will never change. The only thing we can do is try and change the present for a better future. The only thing we can do is try to enjoy the present and find a silver lining in everything we encounter. Blessing in disguise, as some might say. I am counting my blessings everyday"

I woke up that day feeling like a complete wreck. Was terrified to death about the news that I might have to face. There was no time to find out about the news yet though. I was already late for class. After taking a quick (more like 20 minutes) bath, I rushed to school which was 10 minutes away. However, since my stomach was terribly hungry, I stopped by 7/11 to grab a bite first. After that, I was on the run again.

During class, I had this urge to tell people about how I was truly feeling on the inside. I felt like pouring my heart out to someone. It was a good thing I did had an opportunity to tell Cait and Ihsan about my grandfather the night before though. Or else, I would have more bottled up that day. It is always nice to have someone you can talk to as it is never healthy to keep everything inside. At one point, those things may become toxic. Although I talked to Cait and Ihsan last night, I still felt the need to tell someone else. I decided to hold to urge cause I did not know what might have happened to my grandfather just yet. Heck, I didn’t even know if he is alive or dead.

Throughout the whole day, I decided to tell no one. I laughed and joked like every other day. Part of me felt like the only reason I did not want to tell anyone at school yet was because the information had yet sunk in completely. Part of me still refused to admit what might have happened. At one point, I felt better not knowing the truth. But I knew sooner or later, I would have to face up to it. Sooner or later, I would have to call my mum. I decided to call them later at night. I needed some more time to prepare myself for the worse.

After class, I decided to go to the E-Lounge. I sat there and chatted for about an hour or so. By then, I could not bare not knowing anymore. I thought I could wait until later at night but through was I could not anymore. Good news or bad news, I rather hear it then than later. I made the phone call to my mother. It was difficult pressing those digits.

I realized that if this was a real drama, the answer that I would get from my
mother would be that my grandfather had finally passed away and I would break down and cry. That would be a perfect ending for a drama that had lasted a year. It all started off with me knowing about my real father and ended with the death of my grandfather. But at the same time, I prayed that this would be a fairytale ending. I hoped that for once in my life, there could be some bright skies and rainbows in my life. I was hoping that the amazing time that I had in August would last until the end of my life.

Whatever the news was, I knew that I was ready to bear it. I told myself over and over again that whatever that might happened was destined by God and that there would blessings in disguise. I told myself that throughout this whole rollercoaster ride, I have become a stronger man than I was a few years back then. As I anticipated my mother to pick up the phone, I was prepared. I was emotionally prepared.

My mother answered the phone. She sounded calm and collected. I could hear my aunt in the background talking. I asked my mum about grandpa. She said that I could stop worrying as he had become better overnight. They were all at my grandpa’s house. I spoke to my aunt and asked if she was okay. She sounded better. I felt somewhat relieved. I guess it was not my grandpa’s time to go yet.

21st November 2007

A month plus had passed since my grandfather’s false alarm. I am truly grateful that my grandfather’s still alive. But the situation’s not over yet. Ever since that day, my grandpa’s condition has been unstable. Sometimes he is fine and sometimes he is not. We all feel like we’re just playing the waiting game now.

I guess the one thing that makes me feel torn the most is the feeling of helplessness. At the end of the day, my mother as a daughter has the responsibility of caring for my grandfather. She’s been caring for my grandfather in the morning while going to work at night. I feel like a terrible son at times for allowing her to go through that. Even my brother and sister are chipping in while I am in Japan.

Right before I wrote this blog, I called my mum. She explained to me about her situation now and all I could say to her was that in three years time, right after I graduate, things will become better. I would have a stable salary and I could finally share her burden. I really hope that’s true because I think she’s worked hard enough all of these years. I told her to tell my grandpa that I might be back for Chinese New Year this year. Hopefully with that little piece of info, grandpa would fight harder and could at least last one more Chinese New Year. What my family doesn’t know is that it is not a possibility that I might be back during Chinese New Year. Instead, it is a definite thing. I am going back this February. This will be the first Chinese New Year I have with my family since 2005.

Can’t wait.

Turning 2.0 Season 3 Chapter 7 : Baby Goodbye (Friday Hill)

2008-01-13T23:46:00.000+09:00

Previously:
I came back to Kuching and volunteered for about two months in my old high school. To be honest with you, I am not sure how much of that was volunteering as I felt more like a nuissance. LOL. Then I went to hunt for my biological family but to no avail. The one good thing that happened was that I finally hooked up with Caitlyn. However, the joy did not last long. The story continues.

"The past will always be there. And the past will never change. The only thing we can do is try and change the present for a better future. The only thing we can do is try to enjoy the present and find a silver lining in everything we encounter. Blessing in disguise, as some might say. I am counting my blessings everyday"

Kuching
September 21st.

A day before my departure. Time passed by me so quickly that I barely noticed the two months that flew before my very own eyes. It felt like it was just yesterday I returned to my home. It felt like it was just last night I crashed in my very own bed. I seemed like it was just a few moments ago I was lying down beside my brother, laughing while tickling him.

Today, I had two final errands to run. The first, driving my brother to his primary school to ask about the procedure of changing schools. My mother wanted my brother to change to a Malay language medium school. She felt guilty for putting my brother through 5 years of hell as my brother had always been weak in Chinese. She wanted me to register him into my alma mater, my previous school. At first I was stubborn. I felt like if he were to transfer school and register in St Joseph, my alma mater, he would have difficulty fitting in as he must start Year 1 immediately. If he were to go to Batu Lintang, the school that he might enter, he would not have to enter Year 1 immediately. Instead, he would get a year of Transition Class where he could learn English and Malay again. My mother, however, felt like he would be wasting a year. After arguing this over and over again, I bet you guys know the outcome already.

My mum won as she played the mum card, a card that the son card can never triumph. So unfair. So as I drove my brother to the primary school, he seemed to be sad. He seemed to be depressed. After a while of trying to find out the reason, I finally realized that he didn’t want to change school. When I asked him if that was the cause, he said yes. I asked him why. His answer is a very simple two word answer. An answer I could understand very well. He told me the reason why he didn’t want to change school was because of his friends. If he were to change school, he would never see them again. After having friends like Dominic, Muz, Ihsan and Jerry, I knew how that felt. I agree with the whole stepping out of your comfort zone concept but the question is when the right time is to step out. My gut feeling told me that it was too soon.

I told my brother that I would just go and ask because my mum wanted me to but I will not push him to change school and that the choice is all up to him because I would tell my mum that it was difficult to change school. Something that is true but at least if my mum were to hear it from me, she would stop pushing for my brother to change schools. My brother went along with the plan.

After going to his primary school, we went to my uncle’s workshop. We sat there for a while before we went to service the family car. After that, we went home.

Kuching
September 22nd

That was the day of departure. Right before that day, my brother and my sister had been asking if I could change my return flight. They asked if I could change it to a later day. I said I could not. The truth is I could but I did not want to. Changing the date of return to Japan would only prolong their misery. Sometimes the faster you say goodbye, the better it is.

On this day, it was a completely family day. I spent the whole day going out with family. We went shopping for food that I would bring back to Japan. We went to cut my hair. A move I would forever dread. I never go to any barber my mum recommended cause it usually ended up being a bad decision. But on this day, I thought that since it was my last day of 2007 in Kuching, I would please my mother’s wishes and go. Bad, bad move. My hair ended up real bad. It was cool, IF I had lots of gel to style it. Without those gels, it would look dreadful. Sigh.

So after the barber shop, we went home so that my mum could start cooking my farewell dinner. LOL. It wasn’t anything grand. It was just a simple dinner. As I had to go out to get a few more stuff that I wanted to bring back, I brought my siblings and cousins out with me. It was the last chance we could spend some time together before I depart. After getting the stuffs I wanted, mainly food, I went back home and started packing. The packing process was hilarious as I tried to pack 40 packets of instant noodles, tens of cans of can food and tens of packets of drinks into my bag. Not forgetting my books and clothes. As Caitlyn watched me pack, we both laughed at my packing techniques. I could literally make a whole 30 minutes comedic documentary just with my packing process.

As I stuffed too many things into one of my bags, it got torn. Usually this would be a bad thing, especially if you had a flight that was leaving in 3 hour time, but in this case, it was a blessing in disguise. Because the bag was torn, I got to realize a talent that I never knew my step dad had. He could actually sew. Unbelievable. For a man who is as lazy as him, he could actually sew to save his own life. And also, because the bag was torn, I had no other choice but to go to the airport to check in first. I could not go with my whole family but they would meet at the airport about an hour before my flight left. So after finishing dinner, I went to the airport to check in with Caitlyn. It was an awkward 30 minutes drive to the airport. We said barely anything but somehow we knew what each other were thinking. I guessed goodbye came a little too soon. We both knew it was coming. We just didn’t know it was coming this soon.

Upon arriving at the airport, I checked in and met my cousin who kidnapped my lap top for the whole day to transfer a few of my dramas into his own computer. As we stood at the airport waiting for my family to arrive, we joked. The jokes were lame but we laughed at each and every one of them. If it weren’t so sad, it would have been funny. My family finally arrived. And before I knew it, everyone was standing at the departure gate. I had the bag that my father had sewn on me and all that was left was the goodbye.

With no surprise, my mum poured her heart out. My siblings had grown up and this time around, they were stronger. They did not cry but I could still feel their pain. The one good news though was that I would be back in 4 months time. After hugging each and every one, came one problem. How to say goodbye to Caitlyn? After thinking for a few moments (this is a note to myself: never think things over too much), I came up with the best goodbye. I went to say goodbye to her and I ……….. (this isn’t so what you’re expecting, so be emotionally prepared)………shook her hands.

(to be continued)

Next on Chapter 8 : Leaving on a Jet Plane, which will debut tomorrow.
The continuation of Chapter 7. This time, in KLIA.

Turning 2.0 Season 3 Chapter 6 : Somewhere Out There ( Our Lady Peace )

2008-01-05T09:06:00.000+09:00

Previously:
In Turning 2.0 Season 2 Chapter 4, I found out about my real father. In chapter 6, I went to see the school psych for a consult and she convinced me that it is better to live a life with no regrets. A life that I won't spending wondering the what ifs. Thus I made up my mind before coming back to Kuching, Malaysia that I will look for my father's family.

"The past will always be there. And the past will never change. The only thing we can do is try and change the present for a better future. The only thing we can do is try to enjoy the present and find a silver lining in everything we encounter. Blessing in disguise, as some might say. I am counting my blessings everyday"

Kuching
September 2007

I’ve been back for almost a month now. Life has finally settled in. It felt almost like I never left Kuching at all. I was getting a hang of my daily routine. But throughout the whole one month, one thing lingered in my mind. My real father.

Before I came back to Kuching, I knew exactly what I would do. I would look for my real father’s family and try and get to know them better. I had no intention of joining the family. In fact, I didn't mind this being a one time thing. All I wanted to do was to see them and sit down to talk with them once. For once, I wanted to face truth sitting directly in front of me. To be honest with you, I had no idea what I wanted to accomplish out of this whole ordeal. But I knew it deep inside my heart, I needed to this. For myself, at least.

So since coming back to Kuching, I asked my mom about my family. My mum told me that she still had my uncle’s number. So I asked for it. At first she was reluctant to give. She would tell me that she would give me the next day but she never did. I guessed she somehow thought that I would give up after a while. But being her child, she should expect nothing less of me. I kept pasturing her day in and day out. She finally gave in and gave me the number. Like a happy little boy who has just received his balloon, I went out to call my uncle.

As the phone rang, my heart beat faster and faster. With each ring, I could feel a sudden rush of adrenaline. To my dismal, I reached the voice mail. Lucky me, I thought. I tried several times but to no avail. It was not until the third week that I finally got through. A guy with a rough voice answered the phone. I was so excited. With my broken Taiwanese, I told him who I was. I told him whose child I was.

In a typical fairytale, this is the point where the waterworks begin. He will meet up with me and on that day we meet, we will hug each other and cry. However, it was nothing like that. Instead, he said he didn’t know who I was. He said I had the wrong number. I would be lying if I said I was very disappointed. Yes, I was anxious to talk to him but I knew that there was a chance that this would not be one of those fairytale ending you find in story books. I was realistic about it.

So as days passed by, I was getting used to the idea of never having the opportunity to see them again. I wasn’t feeling that bad cause at least I knew I tried. As I continued helping out in my high school, I began to make myself busy in the day. At night, I would go out with Jerry and Azeezul or helped my mother out.

One day, after helping out at the high school, I called Azeezul out to ask him if he would be so kind as to drive me home. My mother needed to use the car that day so after she dropped me off at school, she had to drive the car home and I was left stranded. Azeezul said yes and he came to pick me. We went to eat lunch at Tun Jugah.

On the way to Tun Jugah, I realized that Tun Jugah was near where my real father’s sister used to live. I remembered very clearly cause when I was young, my mum used to drop me there for one whole day to play. At that time, I didn't know that she was my aunt. I just assumed that my mum dropped me off at her friends house.

So after we had lunch, I asked Azeezul if he would follow me to see if my real aunt still lived there. As he drove, I became very quiet. In my mind, I thought of a thousand different scenarios. How would I knock on the door? Should I knock twice or thrice? What should I call them? How would I introduce myself? It was then, that I knocked some senses into my head. What if they moved? After all, it had already been 9 years since I’ve last been there. What if I get too excited just to get my hopes crushed? Whatever it is, I was ready to face it. Or at least, I thought I was ready to face it.

We arrived at the house. The house was located on the second floor of a four floor shop lot. From far away, the house seemed shabby like no one lived there for the past many years. I told myself that it might just be my imagination. Maybe the people were untidy. After all, I must have picked up my lazy genes somewhere. I am not exactly the tidy type.

As I approached the gate of the house, it was rusty. It was an old house. What did I expect? I tried to convince myself that someone still lived there. As I said hello, no one replied. I could hear my voice echo. Maybe no one is home. By the third time I tried to convince myself, I knew that this was futile. But I still tried. Over and over again. After asking around, people told me that that house was vacant for quite some time already. I even called the number of the real estate agent posted on the door of the house. The real estate agent confirmed the information I got from the neighbors.

As we left the house, I felt heartbroken. I didn’t feel this way the first time around when I tried to call my uncle. In fact when the guy pretended or really didn’t know me, my mum gave me words of comfort. She said that maybe my father’s family wanted me to move on. And I believed her. But deep inside my heart, I knew that I still had one more opportunity to meet my real family. And that was through my real aunt. But now that even she had move, I felt like I lost all my chances already. And that I would never meet my real family. Don’t get me wrong. I love my present family. A lot.

But I guessed it was always nice knowing that I had another family that I didn’t know of somewhere out there.

Now, the somewhere out there will forever remain somewhere out there.

Next Week's Chapter 7 : Baby Goodbye ( Friday Hill )
After two months in Kuching, it's finally time to fly back to Japan. Next week, we shall have two chapters back to back. Chapter 7 on Saturday and the continuation, Chapter 8 on Sunday.

Turning 2.0 : 2007 Year End Special

2007-12-31T09:34:00.000+09:00

It is funny looking back now, where in 2006, I was almost certain that my life was going to be normal, with no more drama and just going to have to tell the same old stories over and over again. In fact, I was so worried that I had gone through the hardest time and that from that point onward, everything else was just going to end up looking boring and dull.

Boy, was I wrong. And I am actually glad to be wrong. Cause although 2007 is coming to end, I feel like my life has just begun. For those of you who followed my blog, you would have noticed that this year has been nothing but easy. The first, being the discovery of my real biological father. Let me rephrase that. The first, being the discovery of my dead biological father. I guess I am lucky enough to have three fathers but not lucky enough to have a dad. Well, at least, I learnt a little from each and every one of them. To put it short, the things I learnt from the three of them is to be alive, to stick around and to be good to those around you. And those three lessons, I would hold dearly to my heart forever.

This was also the year that I realized that despite being lucky enough to somewhat blend in easily in high school, not everyone can blend in at all time. Entering Keio University was the first time, I truly had contact with Japanese my age. I was so looking forward to it. But you know how the story of the ugly duckling goes where it started off in a lake of swans just to realize that it was at the wrong lake at the end. That happened to me this year. I started my semester in an English class filled with Japanese students who lived overseas before. I was so sure they were my group of pals and I tried so hard to blend in that I forgot that sometimes it is just not me, and that is just the environment. So luckily I stopped trying before it was too late. To be fair, there were a few people in that class that were actually cool with me. I decided to take those few, kept being myself and make new friends outside of that class. That worked out perfect for me.

Another great discovery of this year was that everyone has problems. Menial or not to us, people who are experiencing these problems are facing it like it is their biggest obstacle in life. Be it a fear of making speeches, or a fear of talking in English, or a fear of upsetting others, I have no right to belittle it. Before this year, especially throughout last year, I looked down at people who succumb to the pressure of their problems. I always thought that they were weak. But this year, I learnt that not everyone goes through the same life experiences I did that made me who I am today. So what I should do is not tie them up and drag them across the mud, but instead try and find a way to either be listeners or motivators. With all that I have been through, there must be some good after all. Besides, since people have been helping me through all this while without judging my problem, what gives me the right to judge other people’s problems?

So after all the drama, 2007 has been a great year. Not only do I find out I actually have a cool Malay cousin who lives in Brunei (hi James), I actually found out about myself better. I found out that there are things that I can’t do but at the same time, there are things that I can do rather well. So all and all, a great year. Can’t wait for 2008. To come to think of it, I will not have to wait. LOL.

Turning 2.0 Season 3 Chapter 5 : Headlines [Friendship Never Ends] (Spice Girls)

2007-12-30T00:52:00.000+09:00

Previously:
In Turning 2.0 Season 1, I exposed a bit of my teenage life and told you how in the mids of drowning, two hands reached into the muddy water and pulled me out. Until today, I am still holding on to both of those hands. The first hand is the hand of my teacher. Perhaps that is one of the reason why I want to become a teach because I realized that a teacher's role is not only to teach but to inspire and save. The second hand is the hand of my friend. Each and every friend I encounter has brought out the best in me. I shall introduce you to one of those friends in this chapter again.

"The past will always be there. And the past will never change. The only thing we can do is try and change the present for a better future. The only thing we can do is try to enjoy the present and find a silver lining in everything we encounter. Blessing in disguise, as some might say. I am counting my blessings everyday"

Kuching
August 2007

I have been very blessed to keep running into people that keeps me going with a smile on my face. Most of these people are people I am proud to call my friends (this is the reason why I am very particular about who I call a friend and who I call an acquaintance. I rather have only 3 friends on my friends list if it meant that these three friends are the ones that stands by me through thick and thin rather than have an army of friends that is ready to desert base when push comes to shove. Luckily though, I have more than three friends. Fingers crossed. I think I have more than three friends. LOL) Before this, we have heard about Jia Hsien with his forgiving and pure heart. We have heard about Mahayuddin with his saving hand. We have also heard about Dominic with his beautiful soul. Not forgeting Muz with his calm and assuring attitude. Then we have Ihsan, Iman and Nor. The three that never ever makes me feel like I am alone while walking on this earth. There were more people in my life that I am proud to call friends. The trip back to Kuching this time just expanded that list. This time around I rekindle with an old friend. The one friend that I have never thought I would grow so close to during this trip back to Kuching. Running into him was sort of a coincidence. Or as I would like to call it, serendipity.

When I went back to Kuching this time, I have every intention of meeting Jerry Leslie Chin. I knew him since I was 13. It was one day, on the way back from the shopping mall near way I stay, after I crossed the field near my house, I saw a familiar boy playing outside a red gate. As I moved closer, it was my schoolmate that teased me near the bus stand everyday after school. He was annoying, talkative and abbrasive. (Does those three adjectives remind you of someone you know?) In other words, he was just like me. So I went to greet him and the next thing you know, I was visiting his house almost everyday since then.

He did not know this but knowing him probably held me together as home used to be hell and for once, returning home seemed like something that is fun and warm as I know that I have a neighbor's house that I can go to to laugh everything off. For two years, I laughed. I giggled. I was happy at home. However the one thing that I always appreciated Jerry for is his friendship. His unconditional friendship. I still remember borrowing RM 25 from him to participate in a red crescent camp. Although RM 25 sounds like a really small amount of cash but for me, it was really big at that time. I could not pay him back at one go. So what I did was I paid him back little by little. RM 1 at a time to be exact. And you know what, he never ever once complained. (Well, he did but not in an evil "Pay Me Back Now" way but more of a joking way) At that point, it did not seem like a big deal for me but now I realized that it was a big deal. And I will always remember that and all the other sweet things he did for me.

I even got to know his family very well. His annoying little sister and his kind parents. I always loved the atmosphere of his house. I love my family but sometimes my family is just way too exciting. It's like a rollercoaster ride. The kind that if you are not careful, your seatbelt might just break and you're sent flying across the sky. So being at his house, I feel safe. It's like a little sanctuary. Within those two years, we grew really close to each other. At least, until the day I moved away.

Coming back to Kuching this time, I knew I wanted to meet Jerry but I didn’t know how and when. I didn’t have his contact information. One day, I told my mum I was going to get myself something from the shops outside. Instead, my heart told me to drive to Jerry’s house. So after a 20 minutes drive, I arrived at Jerry’s neighbourhood (my old neighbourhood). I missed the first turning and had to take the other way around. As I slowly approached his house, I noticed that noone was home. As my mum needed to use the car, I had no time to wait for him. At least I knew I tried to rekindle with him. It was that moment as I was driving past his house that a white car arrived. It was his mother. I greeted her and she asked me to go into her house. Luckily I missed the turning, I said to myself. Or else I would have just drove pass by his house, realized that noone was home and drove away and completely missed his mother.

As I walked into his house with his mother (I know what you’re thinking. This isn’t a scene from a cheap porno movie, mind you), I sat and the mother began updating me on Jerry. As it turned out, Jerry dropped out of college and was working a watch shop as salesman. He had been mixing around with the wrong crowd. Although that didn’t surprised me as I realized it could have just been anyone who could have walked down the path Jerry took. Even I would have if I didn’t have friends who were always there to catch me when I fall. Upon hearing his story, I realized now that this was my time to be a friend. He did his part and now is my turn.

As I began to go out with Jerry (with Cait as well of course), I began to understand his situation better. He was still a good kid. Still as bright as ever. And still as foul mouthed as ever (if he were to be a film star, I bet the censorship department will need to hire part timers to do all the job) . But he was matured. He knew the road he was heading and he himself knew how dangerous it was. But as I heard his reasons, it became clear to me that it was due to all the past he was holding on. While I had a great high school life, he led a miserable one. He was bullied in his class and I was too busy minding my own business to notice it. It was that moment I realized I failed as a friend. But hey, one wrong doesn’t make me a failure. I would try harder this time around. Throughout my two months there, I spent almost every night with him. We played ‘share our stories’ game.

The more we talked to each other, the more I realized how difficult life was for him. But I reminded him one thing. The one thing that I learnt through my own life experiences. Education might do you no good if you do not utilize it but if you truly put it to good use, education could change your life. I told him to continue schooling and tried learning as much as he could in school. As it turned out, he knew that already. LOL. Told you he was smart. Although I could not do much for him, all I could do was what Dominic did for me. I listened. For the first time in my life, I listened. And that seemed to be enough.

And that was what we did all the time, we sat, we talked and we laughed. It was the same routine. Never got bored with it and never grew tired of it. Sometimes, it doesn't take something big to change someone's life. Sometimes all it takes is a little bit of patience and listening (something i need to work on). Jerry, if you are reading this, you're one of the greatest person I've ever met. But there are still heights that you have never reached before of which you could. So do your best, try your best and be your best. If you need support, you know where to look for me, buddy.

Coming Up ON Turning 2.0 End Year Special
After 5 chapters, it's time to take a break. It's new year after all right. Hehehehe. So on December 31st, I am going to have a special post. I will try to write it in a way that doesn't spoil the plot of the remainding 6 chapters of Turning 2.0 which is really the juicy part but at the same time, make sure that it is memorable enough. So hold on tight.

Turning 2.0 Season 3 Chapter 4 : Everything ( Michael Buble )

2007-12-27T23:53:00.001+09:00

Previously:
As it turned out, sometimes you only discover what is truly amazing when you view it from afar, not when it's staring you right in the face. I just realized for the first time that something good can come out of a relationship. Not everything must end in disaster.

"The past will always be there. And the past will never change. The only thing we can do is try and change the present for a better future. The only thing we can do is try to enjoy the present and find a silver lining in everything we encounter. Blessing in disguise, as some might say. I am counting my blessings everyday"

Kuching
August 2007

Going back to Kuching has been a life opening experience for me. Three weeks in and I have seen so much changes. Not only of physical things that surrounded me but things within me as well. I opened up to new opportunities and I became a man that grasped chances as they come. However, going back to Kuching has also strenthened my love for my brother and my sister. They say that siblings grow apart as they grow up. From the looks of it, time and space have only strenghtened the bond we ha.

Ever since the birth of my brother and my sister, I cant think of any moment in life that I feel empty. Even at my emptiest moment and my lowest moment, I will always tell myself that I need to go on and fight for them. Because they deserve it. Ever since they were young, they were discriminated by my mother’s family. My grandfather disliked them because of my stepdad’s temper. Everytime he gave us money, he would give them half of what he would give me. My grandmother would also chased them back to my house everytime they go over to their house to play (we live across the road from each other). My stepdad’s side of the family on the other hand, only began showing their affection for them a few years ago. Even so, they don’t seemed that enthusiastic.

So from the moment they were born, the only people we had was each other. Everytime my mom fought with my stepdad, we would stick together. Everytime something bad were to happen, we would stick together. Of course we do bicker. For goodness sake, we even fought until one of us had to go to the hospital because of bleeding. But after a few hours, we would be back to our old selves. Laughing and joking.

Going back to Kuching I began to see how strong of an individual they both have became. They would go to school in the morning, come back home in the afternoon and take a few hours of nap. Then they would wake up at night and go for tuition or help my mother with the preparation of the food that my mum was selling. Then around 10 pm, they would follow my mum out to sell the food until 2 am in the morning. By the time they reach home, It would have been about 3 am. Then they go to bed and wake up at 6 in the morning to go to school again. Sure, they are way luckier than most kids in Africa but for most kids in Kuching, the life they are living are not normal. And I am well aware that they would not be able to live a more luxurious life as long as I have not graduated and received a stable income. And somehow seeing them live that life broke my heart. But I kept telling myself that that would not last long and that better days are coming.

The thing that touched me as well was the fact that when the money I brought back from Japan finally dried out, they kept asking if I needed any money. My sister even bought food for me. Luckily, my cousin paid his long overdue debts though. Or else I might really have to depend on them to survive. LOL. But with the money I brought back, I tried giving them something they could not have while I was not around. I brought them out to play and to eat out. I brought them to KFC and even to the playground. Seeing them running around, playing makes me happy.

One night, I told my sister that we were going out the next day. I told her that so that she could sleep early that night. Instead, she didn’t sleep the whole night because she was so excited. When my mother woke up in the morning, my mother was pissed. She told my sister off for not sleeping at all and disallowed her from going out. As I sat at the couch looking at my sister, I asked my brother if he still wanted to go out. He said he rather stay home cause he doesn’t want my sister to be alone. Hearing that my eyes became teary. Luckily my mother finally gave in to the power of persuasion and allowed us to go out. However, in order to protect her supremacy, she didn’t allow my sister to play with us. Instead she brought her shopping. LOL. What a punishment. But yeah, that day I realized one thing. I might not have a rich family with a big house and a big car. But I do have a rich family with a big heart and loving atmosphere. And at the end of the day, only that counts. Everything else will fall into place eventually.

Going back to Kuching has changed my love for my family. I love them more now.

Coming Up Next In Chapter 5 : Headlines (Friendship Never Ends)
Sometimes when we walk away to move on with our own life, we leave a friend behind. And as time passes by, we begin to lose touch. And at one point, you just forget completely about that friend.

Turning 2.0 Season 3 Chapter 3 : Try (Nellly Furtado)

2007-12-22T13:34:00.000+09:00

Previously :
I finally decided to try and step into unknown territor known as relationship. Although fearful of what could be, it was better to give it a go. However, the question remains if I could actually work this out. Or would I pull a houdini before anything great happens?

"The past will always be there. And the past will never change. The only thing we can do is try and change the present for a better future. The only thing we can do is try to enjoy the present and find a silver lining in everything we encounter. Blessing in disguise, as some might say. I am counting my blessings everyday"

Kuching
August 2007

After sealing the deal or if you want to make it more romantic, after agreeing to love in Venice, that morning, we met for the first time as a couple. I went to the nearest supermarket before meeting her at the park with the statue of dolphins near the place where I live and the place where she teaches music. I wanted to buy drinks for the two of us. Since I have no idea what are her favourite drinks, I just bought 5 and let her choose. When we met, my heart was pumping more blood to my brain that it has ever. There were quiet moments. And that is odd for my standard. There are barely any quiet moments with I am around. Sure, there are moments when you wish it was quiet, but no moments when it was actually quiet. I guess it was just a first date shiver.

As it turned out, it was right. As time passed by, I began to grow comfortable with the idea of sharing my life with someone. But it wasn’t long though before my fear started crawling back. Every day I woke up, I was so afraid that that day would be day we broke up. Every minute was becoming more and more escruciating. Every second was becoming more and more painful. But I made a promise to myself. I would try and make this last for as long as I could.

Lucky for me though, I already planned a trip to Kuala Lumpur for four days before returning to Kuching. So after going out for a week with Cait, I flew to KL to meet Ihsan, Nor and Iman. We were planning to go and see our new juniors as well as visit KLCC to see our student advisor.

While I was in KL, I stayed with Muz who was going to fly to German in January of 2008. Staying of Muz was great. He has not changed one bit. Still an easy going person and was still a great friend. While I was with him, the experience itself didn’t feel that great of a deal. But once I returned to Kuching and Japan, I began to appreaciate those moments. You can never go wrong with great friends like him I guess.

While I was in KL, I still messaged Cait everyday. The feeling was great to know that although you were so far away from someone, you could still talk to the person almost every moment of every day. For once, in my life, I was caring for someone who was also caring for me. However, the moment that made me realized I was never going to run away was the last day I was in KL.

Since Muz lived really far away from the airport, I told Muz I would stay overnight at KL Central while waiting for the morning bus to go to KLIA. While I was waiting at KL Central, Cait messaged me almost every minute. She said that she would stay awake as long as I would stay awake. That was the most romantic thing I have ever heard. I know it was such simple words but I was truly touched at that point. That made me realized what a beautiful girl she was. Let me say that again. That made me realize what a beautiful woman she is.

Since that trip to KL, every day I began to realize how beautiful she is. I asked her a question one day. The question was who inspired her the most in life. One day, while we were sitting at the park while waiting for Jerry and Azeezul (two new friends I have been hanging out with) to go and pee (not at the nearest coffee shop, isntead, they drove home to pee and left us waiting. idiots), she said she thought about the question and she finally figured out the answer. She said that the person who touched her the most was my mother for her courage and bravery in supporting this family on her own. That moment, I realized I made the right choice. She is the one.
I was not sure how long can I stay grounded but I know for sure, I am going to try.

After all, including this month, it has already been 4 months since we started. And I hoped it will last. But if it doesn’t, I won’t regret this experience at all. Cause Cait, you’ve showned me more than you know. I can’t imagine this chapter of my life without you in it. Thanks, Cait.

Coming Up Next In Chapter 4 : Everything (Michael Buble)
After three seasons, it's finally time for me to blog about people that matters most to me, my family. As this is the last season and probably the last time I will ever blog this much about my life, I want to dedicate the next few chapters to people who I really care.

p/s Thank you, Mark for the amazing header. Truly appreciate it. A round of applause to you.

Turning 2.0 Season 3 Chapter 2: Leap Of Faith (David Charvet)

2007-12-15T22:52:00.000+09:00

Previously:
I returned to Kuching and found out that almost everything has changed. Anxious about how things will work out itself within the next two months of summer holiday in hometown, the story continues, not from this year`s August but rather from a few years back.

"The past will always be there. And the past will never change. The only thing we can do is try and change the present for a better future. The only thing we can do is try to enjoy the present and find a silver lining in everything we encounter. Blessing in disguise, as some might say. I am counting my blessings everyday"

Kuching
15th August 2007

You can ask anyone that knows me and they will tell you that I probably have no fear. I am not afraid of speaking in public. I am not afraid of heights. In fact, I absolutely love rollercosters. I am not afraid of making a fool out of myself. Not that I don’t regret some of the stupid stunts I pulled like making a screeching Pikachu voice while I was in form 1 or the time I pretended to be a drake queen during a business presentation thinking that will capture people’s attention or the time that …okay, you do get the point (you do get the point right? i don't wish to go on and on with my wall of shame). I am not afraid of things. But if there is one thing that I am most afraid of it is commitment. The fear of knowing that these wings can no longer fly free .

If I were to be a psychologist (like Freud (my English teacher brought up his time several times last semester when discussing American history)), I will say that it was due to the fact that I grew up without a father. So I am used to doing everything on my own. Of course, this meant that I had no one to fall back on but it also meant that there was no one to hold me back as well. So at any point, I find myself caught up in a net (free the whales, go hayden!), I will start to panic. And this was exactly the case with me and relationships. Let’s look back at things that have happened so far.

Kuching
December 2004

Example no 1. Went to an ice carving festival with a girl. Found out that she likes me and decided to drive her to school. Realized that I didn't like her more than just a friend, I decided to be a gentleman, and called her the next day and said ‘tyre puncture. Sorry’ then called another Dominic to drive him to school. Since then, have not contacted her. (Thank god, I didn't give her this blog address, or else she would kill me. If she could find me, that is)

Kuching
January to June 2005

Example no 2. Went out with this girl for a month. Brought her to visit friends’ house during Hari Raya and brought her to friend’s party. In the car, she said that she had never went out with a guy before although many had asked her out. Thought that she was trying to tell me that I should lay off then realized how stupid I was for not closing the deal there and then. Still went out with her although the status was vague. Then finally, received scholarship offer and I disappeared for good.

Tokyo, Japan
January 2007

Example no 3. Knew this girl since I was 18. Funny girl. A bit loony but smart and pretty as well. Had this nasty relationship with another guy and when she finally ended it while she was in Japan, I managed to court her. It all happened on the rooftop. I asked the question and she said yes. The next morning I woke up, in sweats. Scared to death, I broke up after 18 hours. That was the longest relationship I’ve ever been in. (she got back with the evil man (or katak which means frog in Malay), if you must know)

Tokyo, Japan
Sometime in 2002

Example no 4. This had to be the funniest one of all. Knew this girl since I was 14. Sweet girl. Caring. Charming. Amazing. Great with music. Great with kids. Great with everything. Had a crush on her when I was 14. Dominic’s cousin btw. She was the first girl that got me nervous. Was once left with her in a room and all of a sudden, I went cuckoo. Needed to do something but didn’t know what to do.

So, instead, I went outside and stepped on branches.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Tokyo, Japan
December 2006

Found out 5 years later when I was in Tokyo, during an MSN conversation that she did had a crush on me as well. It was mutual after all and Dominic knew as well but didn’t bother telling me. Decided to let bygones be bygones and started fresh.

After chatting for a few months, I asked her if she was interested in long distance relationship. She said not sure and that she’ll think about it. I was like, ‘thank god’. Then she popped the question a month later, and I THOUGHT I said ‘let me think about it’. Since then didn’t hear from her since.

Hiyoshi, Kanagawa, Japan
March 2007

I asked her why she stopped talking to me and she asked me if I remembered my answer when she popped the question. Said no and she sent me a copy of our conversation that day. As it turned out, she asked if I was interested and I answered ‘sorry, not single anymore. Seeing someone’. My jaws dropped to the ground. (After picking my jaws back up,) I went what the heck. Why would I lied? Then it all makes sense. All the previous examples popped into my mind and I realized my worst fear. Commitments. Freak.

Kuching
August 2007

So yeah, all those were few of the examples I could think of. Upon returning to Japan, I began to see Example no 4 (Cait..hehe) again. Felt really bad for the way I left things. So we went out again. To be honest with you, during our first outing, I wasn’t even sure of our status, so I just assumed we were friends. We went for a drink then decided to drive all the way to the airport to try the new Starbucks cause we couldn’t think of another thing to do. The night went bad. My jokes were dry. My throat was constantly dry. So I constantly had to drink. The atmosphere was dry. God, please give me a sign…I pleaded quietly in my heart. And then the sign came. Let me rephrase that, the signS came.

As we walked out of the airport and towards my mum’s new black car, I couldn’t believe my eyes. This could go down as one of the more prominent moments in my life. As I look at my car, I see a stretch of white signs on the car. Signs from the above. They were indeed signs from the above. They were bird poops from the birds that was sitting on a steel on the roof of the airport bridge on top of where my car was parked. Of the many cars there, the only car that was pooped at was my car. I felt honored and proud at the same time. The one great thing that happened though was the two of us laughed. It was serendipity I guess.

Since that day, we went out for a few times. And each time, I felt more and more comfortable. Of course, I still felt like running away. I always do, especially when something good is happening to me. I am narsistic in a way.　And finally one day, while in my cousin’s house, while he was fixing his gundam, I messaged her and asked her if she was willing to give this relationship a try. It took quite a few moments before I get the reply. But when I finally got it, it was worth the wait. It was a yes. My trip back to Kuching so far has been nothing but new experiences. My trip back has been about changes. And this time, a good change has come my way. A beautiful change. I am no longer single.

But owh no, here comes the hard part. The runaway scene.

Coming Up Next
I ran away to KL. Well, sorta ran away.

Turning 2.0 Season 3 Chapter 1 : Change (Sugababes)

2007-12-10T23:48:00.000+09:00

Previously :
After two seasons of Turning 2.0, of looking back at the past, I realized how far I've come. From going through a rollercoaster ride during my teenage years to finding out about my biological father, I can't really complain about life being uninteresting. But that's all in the past. It's time to deal with the present.

"The past will always be there. And the past will never change. The only thing we can do is try and change the present for a better future. The only thing we can do is try to enjoy the present and find a silver lining in everything we encounter. Blessing in disguise, as some might say. I am counting my blessings everyday"

Narita International Airport / Kuala Lumpur International Airport / Kuching International Airport
11th August 2007

The last time I went back to Malaysia was a year and a half ago. When I was back in March of 2006, everything was exactly the way they were when I left in October 2005. All my friends were there. I went out with most of them to have drink at McDonalds or any of the low cost coffee shops. Norman, Dominic (and his new friend, Canitius – nice fellow, btw) and Jia Hsien. The same gang. All the places in Kuching were still the same. It felt like as if time has not passed by. And of course, I still had two fathers. One ran away and the other at home, doing nothing.

As I board the plan this time around, something told me that nothing’s going to be the same. For once, this time around, I am not going back with Ihsan and the gang. We initially planned to go back to together. We even bought the same cheap ticket from the same agent together. But unfortunately, the (fudging idiotic) agent swindled our money and pulled a Houdini on us. RM 1500 poofed just like that. Thus, all of us had to buy our own tickets at the very last minute and we all ended up with different tickets. My ticket cost almost RM 3000. It broke my heart to see my money fly away just like that. Sigh.

As I arrived at the KLIA International Airport, I walked to the cafetaria. After a plate of Chicken Rice (ahhh….something does stay the same…the nice old chicken rice..miss ya so…), I went to the toilet to freshen myself up with a splash of water. As I looked at my reflection, I see the physical signs of change. I got chubbier. Sigh….At least I’ll be a hit among old women who would just love to pinch my cheek. While thinking about what other things that might have changed, I strolled around KLIA and finally when my flight to Kuching was boarding, I ran to the gates. Something just never changes. I still procrastinate.

Arriving at the new Kuching International (just because it flies to Australia as well) Airport, it began to hit me on how major the new changes are going to be. The new Kuching airport seemed so different from last time around. It smelled different, it looked different, it was very different. Even my cousin who came to greet me was different. He, who used to be this tall bloke, was now a lump of fat (well, almost a lump of fat. Just slightly chubbier I guess. His excuse was that after hurting himself after falling down the stairs (that was what he told his mother but in actual fact he hurt himself while playing basketball), he didn’t have time to exercise…). His new girlfriend was also slightly different. Much more sporting. Almost like a guy. LOL.

My plan was to come back a day earlier and surprise my mother. So I went back home and realized the house was locked. So I decided to climb in through the back window like how I always did. That didn’t go very well. The window was locked as well. Sigh…so while I try and figure another way in, all Mark (my cousin) had to do was to push the door a bit, and the door opened itself like a flower blooming on an August day. Sigh. The house itself was very different. My mother repainted it. And there were two refrigerators.

As I wait for my mother to arrive (from selling food from pub to pub from 10pm to 2am at night with my bro and sis and two other workers who were helping her), I arranged the gifts I brought back from Japan for them. I felt like Santa Claus for once which was appropriate since my aunt gave me the name Nicholas when I was born. I guessed I was hoping that the gifts will somehow make up for not being by their side for the past one and a half year. I brought something from everyone. While arranging it, I kept thinking about the amount of money I owe my friends. Sigh…should have been more careful with my budget, but still it felt worth it at the end of the day. We can always make more money anyway.

My family finally arrived. My mum was surprised but for not more than 5 minutes. She spent the next half an hour blabbing on how I tricked her. Laugh out loud. My brother was busy opening his Gundam toys that I bought for him. Gosh, he was tall. And his voice matured. Then again, he was 12. What else did I expect from a 12 year old? Obviously kids his age bound to change. My sister, still had her long hair and she seemed to be slightly more bitchy though, in a good caring way though. She nagged more like a mother these days. My whole family seemed to be very happy. The biggest change however, was the gifts. This year, I brought something for my stepdad. I guess after finding out both of my dads were dead, I began to realize that I only have one living father now. And like it or not, no matter how useless he may be, he was still MY useless father. And to give him credit, he is changing. Slowly but towards the better.

After unpacking everything (who am I kidding. I just left all of them at the side of my bed), I went to lie on my bed. It is official now. Most things changed. Even my friends changed. Most of my friends were elsewhere. Dominic was in north Peninsular Malaysia, in a little fishing state of Terengganu. Jia Hsien was in United States. All I had was Norman, and even with him, we were not as close anymore (I guess we just grew separate ways). I have no idea how life was going to be this next few months. But I had a feeling. Things were still going to be great. And something big was coming my way. The question is what?

Coming up next on Chapter 2 : Leap of Faith (David Charvet) 15th December 2007:
A Turning 2.0 personal Sex and the City. My personal Shrek. Stay tuned.

Not A Frequent Blogger

2007-11-29T17:12:00.000+09:00

Gosh, I remember starting this blog a few months ago, all excited to blog every single week but lately I've become slightly lazy. Don't get me wrong, the excitement is still there but laziness is just slightly more powerful. I guess since I am having holiday this past week, I've entered the 'whatever' phase and just sit around the whole day doing nothing. Those days are over though....

It's time to shift to the high gear. With exams coming up in a month or so, it's time to buckle up. And guess what...I am going to blog a little bit more frequently these next few weeks. Ooohh speaking of which, new chapters for Turning 2.0 will premier this weekend. I cannot believe it. It's been a year. Gosh...time does pass by quickly when you're not counting down the days.

Until this weekend, see ya and take care.

Updates! Updates! and More Updates!

2007-11-21T04:21:00.000+09:00

This is the most relaxing week I've had for the last two months. I have holiday this whole week from yesterday all the way to next Monday. In Japan (not sure about other countries so dont dare to comment), all universities (if not all, most) have this university festival. That means that for all that are organizing an event, it's a very hectic week but for people who could bother less, it's a lazy week. I am having a lazy week so I guess you sort of figure out what I will be contributing to the event. Well, since this is my first year, I am going to take it easy. I have every intention of participating next year though. I am still going to the festival itself with some friends (hopefully...if they don't pull a rain check) this coming Thursday or Saturday.

So what have I been doing? Just sitting around, doing nothing and watching television while doing some sit ups and playing with my dumbbells. A dude's got to work out eventually or else his belly is going to bulge so high, it can be a personal Mount Everest. I used to think that it was impossible for me to become fat but recently I realized that that is just a myth. Especially since I gained a miraculous 5 kg the last time I went back. Well, I wont call it miraculous considering the frequency of me having lunch and dinner. It was like twice or three times of lunch a day. LOL. But yeah, need to put in some exercise before I become the next big pile of fat.

Apart from my televison marathon, I also have other things planned for this coming Friday and Saturday though. On Friday, I would have to go for an interview for a tutoring job at a cram school. This job is very important as I want to travel a bit before graduating. In order to travel, I need money. In order to get money, I need to work (or steal..but seeing that is illegal..i have no other choice but to work). Hopefully by next year, I can go and visit Jia Hsien in the US. Hopefully. Right after the interview, I need to go for this dinner with our ex student advisor but now the current CEO of Mitco Japan who is stationed in KL now. He would be coming to Japan this Friday though so all of us, Petronas scholars would meet up with him. For some unknown reason, I am terrified of him. He reminds me of a father I never have. LOL. Then on Saturday, I need to go for another job interview. Just in case the other one doesnt work out.

Arghhh...not forgetting the report and assignments that I need to complete. As well as catching up with some reading for some of my lectures. I guess this week aint that free after all. Well, I guess I should be grateful since I still get to wake up late. Hehehehe...the pleasure of waking up late is something no one can ever dispute..Instead of having another few minutes of sleep like my usual days, I get to have a few more hours of sleep...

Owh before I forget, I just finished Turning 2.0 Season 3. If everything works out according to schedule, the season will premier next Saturday, December 1st. The list of chapters for the whole of Season 3 is as following:

Chapter 1: Change (Sugababes)
Chapter 2: Leap Of Faith (David Charvet)
Chapter 3: Try (Nelly Furtado)
Chapter 4: Everything (Michael Buble)
Chapter 5: Headlines (Friendship Never Ends) (Spice Girls)
Chapter 6: Somewhere Out There (Our Lady Peace)
Chapter 7: Baby Goodbye (Friday Hill)
Chapter 8: Leaving On a Jet Plane (Chantal)
Chapter 9: Rootless Tree (Damien Rice)
Chapter 10: Torn (Natalie Imbruglia)
Chapter 11: Taking Off (Naza)
Chapter 12: Turning 2.1

If all works out right, Chapter 1 to Chapter 11 will be posted from 1st of December until 2nd of February. In respect of its title, Turning 2.1, the last chapter will be posted a day after my birthday, March 27th of next year. And also there may be an additional chapter right before Chapter 9 but that is still left undetermined. We'll see how it goes. Or more like I'll see how my mood goes.

Until then, see ya.

God's Gift To Everyone : Potential

2007-11-12T00:05:00.001+09:00

Yesterday, while doing nothing, I decided to pick up a book and read. I borrowed a book (well, not actually borrowed. I made a deal with a teacher/friend in my university. He enjoys reading so much that he reads like two to three books a week. I, on the other hand, is not such a huge fan of reading. In fact to come to think of it, apart from text books...I don't really ready anything else except for the foolish programme NILAM that they introduced in high school last time which got me started on Wishbones and Bookworm. However, ever since meeting Clyde, the guy mentioned above, he got me into reading this book entitled Freakonomics. Interesting book. I don't necessarily agree with everything but still it offered a different perspective. After reading that book, I decided that I want to read more. So I made a deal with Clyde. I agreed to pay a quarter for the books he bought and I will get to keep it as long as I have not finished reading the book. A good deal since..1) I have to pay, so I am more inclined to read...2) since the book is still not mine, I will not shove it into some shelves as a gift to the spiders..So yeah, where were I...owh that's right..I was talking about the book. I borrowed a book) entitled Secrets Of The Millionaire Mind.

This book mentioned about how the rich people think and to be honest with you, I have never been so impressed in my life. Half of what was mentioned in the book (half cause I only read half. Plan to finish it tomorow though) got me thinking "damn, if only I found this book earlier, I wouldnt be in such deep financial poop". The part that got me going the most was the part that mentioned how our financial blueprint in this little head of ours was actually programmed from the day we can understand the world. It mentioned that if we were to grow up with a negative conotation of money, we would most probably be broke. Cause since we link money with the root of all evil (as Karl Marx would say it), automaticaly we refuse to be rich cause no human being in their right mind would want to be someone they hate. So after reading half the book, I began to realize that I spend just like my mother. We have the same financial blueprint. The "here today, gone tomorow" financial blue print. It does not matter how much I make, I would still lose all the money because that was how I was programmed. Upon reading that, I realized I need to reprogramme myself.

The second thing that was written in the book didn't really surprise me that much. It said that all complainers are garbage collectors. That I knew a long time already...Most people that complain are usually bottom feeders. But the one thing that impressed me was the explaination that the book gave. It all had to do with the Law of Attraction. If we're complaining about crap, which makes us crappy, what are we going to attract? Surprise, surprise...more crap. LOL. How insightful. That explains why whiners usually attract each other.

The last thing that was mentioned in the last pages of half of the book I read made me realize one thing. God has given everyone something special. A potential. This potential can be something beautiful but only and if only, we groom it to be beautiful. If we leave it untouch, it will forever be rough and wasted. Anyone who refused to develop this gift of theirs is selfish. Only through understanding your gift and realizing your potential, you can start to feel fulfillemnt and be content cause finally, you are giving back to the society. After reading that, I realized what is my next move already. Wish me luck.

Turning 2.0 Season 2: Chapter 5 New Day (Shapeshifters)

2007-11-07T06:34:00.000+09:00

Previously
I found out that I have this new father that I never knew existed before. And then I anticipated my university result..

“The truth can become a lie in a matter of seconds. When that happens and your whole world comes crashing down, what do you do? Do you accept the new truth and try and adjust your life to the new information that you just found out? Or do you simply discard the new piece of information and pretend like nothing ever happened? Either way, life will never be the same again”

26th of July 2007, Hiyoshi, Japan

University life started two months ago. To be honest with you, things have not been working out fine for me. After finding out about my biological father, I didn’t have much time to think about him. The day after that phone conversation with my mum, the university result came out and I was accepted into Keio University, what was supposed to be the best private university in Japan. Despite the magnitude of the event, I wasn’t all that happy with it. In spite of recent events, I guessed the happiness was balanced by the sadness. Hence, I feel nothing. But yeah, after the result came out, I started to tutor English to earn some extra cash. So two months before entering university, I kept myself busy by watching TV shows and tutoring English as well as with the university entrance procedures.
Even when I have time to think about my father, I came to the conclusion that it was a good thing. Now, instead of having to explain what my second father has been up to since the divorce, I can just say that my father died when I was three and my mum remarried to a Muslim. Hence, the name is Nazaruddin Abdullah. I also successfully manage to make full use of the story and used it as a material for a speech competition which I came in second place. So everything seemed great. Note the word seemed.

The problem that I thought was solved was merely neglected. And it came back to haunt me during the first few months of university. Being frustrated with the language barrier and stuff, I began to lose all interest in going to class. Instead I chose to stay home and feel sorry for myself all day. Every day I wake up promising myself that today was the day I was going to change but by the time the day came to an end, I was back to my old self. I even took a week off in May, which wasn’t recognized by the school, thus it meant that I skipped classes and would be penalized for it. I took the week off in hopes of finding a way to end this Great Depression but it didn’t work. Instead, it caused me to drown even more. 　So much for trying to apply the Keynes theory into my private life.

Surprisingly enough, once again friends came to the rescue. And this time, they were all new friends. There were these girls that are from China (as it turned out some of them are human droids but with hearts and compassion) that were so nice to me. They would talk to me and befriend me and in return, I helped one of them out with English. And then there were these Japanese friends who were different from the normal Japanese. They were able to think outside the wavelength of normal Japanese. Days passed by and I was slowly enjoying myself. Soon, I was back to my old self again. I look forward to going to classes.

But no actions come unpunished. Because of my absence from a few classes, I needed to explain to the teachers why I couldn’t turn up to class. That was when I scratched my head and came up with the idea of seeing the school shrink. Perhaps if I were to tell her my problems, she would kindly tell my teachers that I have some illness. Laugh out loud. I went to see her because of two reasons. First, I needed an excuse and second, the school fee covered these expenses as well. But never have I thought that seeing her would have actually helped me in any way. And it did.

I began to tell her about my situation and she listened. The one dilemma that I have left was whether or not I should rekindle with my biological father’s family or not. It was the dilemma of simply living the live I have now or trying to revive a life that I never had. The one advice that she offered me was when I go to Malaysia for the summer vacation which would start in less than three weeks time, I should just go and see them. She said it best when she said that it is better to see them and have no regrets, rather then returning to Japan after the summer vacation wishing that I have went to see them. I decided to take her advice.

So like always, things took a turn for the better. After six months of a rollercoaster ride, the rollercoaster finally stop and I could finally go and fetch myself an ice cream that I have been longing to eat by the beach. But there are still three weeks before the holiday. Anything could happen between now and then.

Coming Up Next Month
Oh my god, can you believe it? It's already November and soon this year will come to an end. Time does fly. To come to think of it, it's been a rollercoaster journey for me this year. Upon turning 20 this year's March, I started writing Turning 2.0 which was initially supposed to be one time gig only with season 1. But after 4 chapters in Season 1, I realized 4 chapters ain't enough to sum up my life. Thus I came back with Season 2 which had five chapters including this one which is the season finale. And....it's still not enough to sum up my colorful (perhaps too colorful) life.

And so...we're going to have Season 3. Which have two parts...part I and part II. Part 1 will deal with my trip back to Malaysia in August and all that happened then...while Part 2 will conclude Turning 2.0 with a glance at what happened when I returned to Japan at the end of September and how things may work out from here and now. Season 3 will have about 9 chapters with the first blog to be posted around early December and the last post right before my return to Kuching next year. Can't wait to kick off Season 3. In the meantime, I will be posting about my daily life as a university student.

Turning 2.0 Season 2: Chapter 4 This Is How A Heart Breaks (Rob Thomas)

2007-10-20T00:24:00.000+09:00

Previously
In a phone conversation with my mum, I told my mum that I was having dreams about my father. And how I think my father may be dead already. This was the point when my mum got all serious and said that there was something I should know. She told me that I have another father………..

“The truth can become a lie in a matter of seconds. When that happens and your whole world comes crashing down, what do you do? Do you accept the new truth and try and adjust your life to the new information that you just found out? Or do you simply discard the new piece of information and pretend like nothing ever happened? Either way, life will never be the same again”

20th January 2007, Tokyo, Japan

She told me I have another father. And the father that was in my birth certificate isn’t my real father. As it turned out the single memory I had wasn’t about my real father but it was of my second father, the one that my mother married so that I could have a birth certificate with a father’s name on it. As it turned out, my biological father was a gangster and he was murdered before the two ever got a chance to get married. As it turned out my biological father was murdered when I was three years old. Now, all the pieces of puzzle that didn’t fit before was slowly making sense.

I used to visit this stranger’s house when I was around 9 or 10. My mum would just leave me there for one whole day. They were all so nice to me. The kids played with me. The aunties treated me like their own son. There was this old lady that used to speak to me. As it turned out, that was my biological father’s sister’s house.

My mum used to ask me to talk to this stranger on the phone. He was a man with a rough voice. He would ask me about my life and how I was doing. At first, I just thought that it was one of my mother’s friends so I tagged along. As it turned out, that man was my biological father’s brother who was just released from jail.

I once found a photo of a burial service in my aunt’s (she is actually an Indonesian woman that is not really related to us but for the past many years, she has been helping my mum out so we called her auntie ever since) room. I was actually curious to find out what she was hiding behind her locked room so using a pair of scissors, I broke into her room. As I went through her stuff, I found this photo album of a Chinese burial service. Inside this photo album, I found this picture of this man in his coffin. That picture freaked me out and that picture even appeared in my dream once. I just thought it was some weird fetish my aunt had. But as it turned out, it was the picture of my biological father.

It all began to make sense. The reason why I never had a single memory of my biological father was because he was never around. My mother never introduced him to my grandfather and my mother’s family never knew of him.

My mum said that he used to take me out and buy stuff but I could not remember it. Perhaps, I was too young. My mum said I attended his funeral service but I could not remember it. Perhaps I was too young.

My mum said that I knew him but I could not remember it. Perhaps I was too young.

My tears began to flow. The next thing I know, I was already squatting on the ground with the phone in my head, but my head was else where. I began to cry. I didn’t know why I was crying. How could I cry for a man I never got to know? I just didn’t know what else to do. I told my mum I would call her back in five minutes and I went to my room. As I almost reached my room, I stopped in front of Ihsan’s door. After he opened the door, I took a pillow and began to cry again. That was the first time I ever cried in front of a friend. I didn’t know who else to turn to. The world that I knew of no longer existed. Everything changed. I no longer know what was true and what was false. Nothing seemed right anymore.

After getting a grip of myself, I was back to the old self. It barely took 10 minutes. I went to call my mum with my usual cheerful character and told her not to worry. I told her I didn’t understand why I cried. And then I told her that I would be fine.

That night, I went to my room. I lie on my bed and I realized one thing. Things might no longer be the same anymore.

As I shut my eye, I wondered if I would enter the university of my choice or not. The result was coming out the next day. Keio University's result was coming out the next day.

Although that was on my mind, it was not that important to me anymore cause I finally realized why I broke down into tears. After working so hard to fit the pieces of puzzle, the puzzles were torn apart again. And now I have to start from scratch.

But this time, I won’t be alone anymore. I have friends with me to rebuild it, whether they know it or not.

Next Week:
The last chapter of Turning 2.0 Season 2. How did this new information change my life? A better question, did it change my life? Find out next week as I enter university.

Disturbing News...

2007-10-20T00:20:00.000+09:00

This news article was taken from Star Online. Go to http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2007/10/19/nation/20071019202947&sec=nation for the real article.

Baby dies after thrown from flat

PENANG: Born hardly a few hours, a baby boy was stuffed into a plastic bag and apparently thrown down from a flat in Kampung Melayu here.

The fair-skinned baby also had a piece of cloth around his neck leading police to believe that the someone had probably “chickened out” of strangling him at the last minute.

A post mortem by forensic pathologist Datuk Dr Bhupinder Singh showed that the ligature marks on the baby’s neck were inflicted before death.

State CID chief Senior Asst Comm (II) Datuk Abdul Samah Mat said the baby had multiple body injuries and fractures indicating that he was thrown from a great height.

He said the race of the baby has yet to be determined and was only born a few hours before being murdered.

Police, he said, had classified the case as murder and appeal to witnesses or those with information to call Rakan COP hotline (04-2691999) or any police station.

First-year medical student K. Vijayananthni, 21, said she was going to her aunt’s house nearby when she noticed a plastic bag in the middle of a badminton court at 12.45pm yesterday.

“I went nearer to take a look and almost fainted when I saw a small leg sticking out. I was about to call my brother at home when I saw a policeman staying near my block walking by.

“I approached him and he called the nearby police station. A team of policeman arrived at the scene, opened up the plastic bag and found a newborn baby with a piece of cloth around his neck.

After reading this article, I felt a part of me just died inside. How could someone do something this horrid? Has humanity lost in this battle against immorality? The world is changing. The world is changing back to few hundred years back where murdering babies by burying them in the ground was an everyday event.

Turning 2.0 Chapter 4

2007-10-14T22:39:00.000+09:00

Sorry, guys. I know I mentioned in my blog that I will be putting up Chapter 4 today but today has been very busy. Instead I will be blogging Chapter 4 this coming Saturday. Sorry guys. See ya..

Turning 2.0 Season 2: Chapter 3 The Pieces Don’t Fit Anymore (James Morisson)

2007-10-13T00:25:00.000+09:00

Previously:
After 19 years, everything seemed to be going well for the first time. No more dramas as some may say. I began to live life a simple teenager. As a simple 19 year old. But things are about to change...one simple truth can flip this whole world around..and the completed puzzle will be shatterred on the floor again. Once again.

“The truth can become a lie in a matter of seconds. When that happens and your whole world comes crashing down, what do you do? Do you accept the new truth and try and adjust your life to the new information that you just found out? Or do you simply discard the new piece of information and pretend like nothing ever happened? Either way, life will never be the same again”

20th January 2007, Tokyo, Japan

I was laughing, smiling and joking. Everything seemed perfect. To be honest with you, ever since graduating from high school, I have successfully put the past behind me and I was able to accept who I was already. In fact, I was very happy with who I was. I was on fire. The one thing however that was still bothering me was that I still do not have a single clue on who my real father was. It started sometime in September of 2006.

I began to wonder what would have become of me if I grew up with my biological father. I knew one thing and that was I might not be the man I was now but still, I cannot help to wonder. As the curiosity grew, I began to search for his identity. At first, my plan was to only look for him when I returned to Kuching. I planned to employ a private investigator and searched for his where about (this move might have been inspired by too many episodes of Veronica Mars). However, by the time December came, I became more and more curious. I began to google ( I know google is not a word. It should be though since it is so commonly used) his name. Of course, my efforts were futile. At least, I found out that my father was no popular figure. He was neither a politician, nor a famous rock star cause if he was, my search result would not have been 0. Absolutely 0. Not even a single search result. Sigh...

Becoming more and more frustrated, I decided to ask my cousin, Mark. I grew up with Mark ever since I was a little baby. Mark was four years older than me. He and I almost shared similar paths. His father left him when he was young and so was I. The only thing that was different was the life both of us had after our fathers left us. My mother managed to find herself a drunk beast while Mark’s mother found herself a capable engineer. But to be fair to Mark, his life wasn’t all that people imagined it to be. Since my family was not that wealthy and have no status, there were no expectations. Thus, I am free to become who I choose to be. To come to think of it, I could become a pole dancer and noone would say a thing. But then again, I have never been very good at dancing. I have two right feet. Mark, on the other hand, lived in a controlled environment, almost like a guinea pig. So while I struggle to make my mark, Mark is struggling to get out of the shadows of his family. But we both are the best of friends (or at least good friends. If not that, friends)

So I asked Mark about my father. He said that there was something I should know.

And I was like, oh no. My father`s dead.

And true enough, Mark delivered the news. I wasn’t at all sad though. In fact, I somewhat expected it. But for confirmation, I decided to call my uncle. And so, I called my uncle up and sure enough, my uncle pretended like he knew nothing. And then, I called my mum. The phone was engage. Great. This could only mean one thing. My uncle must have called my mum to warn her. After trying 67 more times (actually it was after the third try), my mum finally answered her phone call.

This conversation was to be the phone conversation of my life.

It was short but it delivered enough blow to alter my life forever.

I told my mum that I have been having dreams lately (yeah, right). My mum asked me what kind of dreams I was having cautiously. (now, I just realized that wet dream would have been an answer that would have helped relieved the tension then but my funny bone wasn’t actually producing any hormones then). I told her that I was having dreams about my father.

And .....how I think my father may be dead already.

This was the point when my mum got all serious and said that there was something I should know.

She told me that .....

I have another father………..

(to be continued tomorow....stay tuned...)

Tomorow:
Is it possible to stay sane after such news..what did my mother mean by 'you have another father'?....stay tuned....

Two New Blogs

2007-10-08T03:39:00.000+09:00

In order to avoid this blog being too lengthy, I created two new blogs to cater to two different purposes.

The first one is Chart Twenty, where I will be posting my top 20 ipod playlist every Saturday.

The second one is My Music, where I will be posting the videos that I've made for my own songs. I will also post up all the lyrics there.

And so, this blog will be used for putting up new stories as well as updates on my life, and occasionally articles (and i really mean occasionally) that I like. So instead of scrolling down so many times, you now have the comfort to just click and go. Sounds like touch and go. Hehehe

Turning 2.0 Season 2 : Chapter 2 A Thousand Miles (Vanessa Carlton)

2007-10-06T15:00:00.000+09:00

Previously:
Three months in Shah Alam, Selangor changed my perspective of life for good. I learnt to adapt to my past and have a fresh new begining. By October 2005, I have already arrived in Tokyo, Japan. Little did I know, language barrier would be the least of my problems.

31st August 2006

“The truth can become a lie in a matter of seconds. When that happens and your whole world comes crashing down, what do you do? Do you accept the new truth and try and adjust your life to the new information that you just found out? Or do you simply discard the new piece of information and pretend like nothing ever happened? Either way, life will never be the same again”

Oh my god. A year has passed since I flew to Tokyo. It’s hard to believe. I still remember that day before flying to Tokyo, my brother cried under the blanket. When I asked him why was he crying, he said he didn’t want me to leave. That broke my heart. But no, I must not show my sadness in front of him. Instead, I smiled and said that everything was going to be fine. Couldn’t bare the fact that I was going to start a new life soon, in a foreign country, I sneaked to the bathroom and cried. That was my first tears in many years (fine, many months. What can I say? I am an extra sensitive guy). And the waterworks didn’t stop there. Even as my mum bid her farewell at the airport, she cried. I however, held back the tears. I knew this was all for a cause.

It was, however, not long before I cry again. After arriving at my hostel, I sat at my bed and thought to myself, “Gosh, Japanese do have small rooms”. After that I decided to take out my things and start to settle in. That was when I found this little note that my brother and sister wrote. It says in Sarawakian Malay “ Naza, kamek sayang kitak” which meant “Naza, we love you”. I don’t know how many guys could actually not cry when they read that but I know one thing for sure though. I cried, again. (Sigh, I need to get myself a tissue. I am evolving into a crying baby. Ooh I just realized if I were to be a baby, I get to wear diapers again. Imagine the joy of not having to go to the toilet. That I could actually sit and chat with m friends for hours and not have to say 'BRB. Toilet Break'. Hehe...I am getting way too sidetracked here. Back to the story. I was speaking of tears. Owh that's right. I cried after reading the little note my bro and sis gave me) But these tears were not tears of pain. Instead, they were tears of joy. The joy of knowing someone loves you and that gave me the strength to go on.

Within a year, I learnt a lot of new things about myself. First, I am competitive. For goodness sake, I used to compete who can open his door faster with Ihsan every time we arrive in front of our rooms ( we live next door to each other). But this competitiveness helped me a lot. Imagine having to compete with smart ass Chinese from mainland China whose brains have been programmed to eliminate any competition possible. If I were not competitive, I would have been blown into pieces by this human droids many months ago. The second thing I learnt about myself was I held too much inside of me. Yes, I was becoming more comfortable with my past but because I was too comfortable with it, I began to think about it a lot. I began to play The Whose Fault Was It game with myself every night before I go to bed. But thank god, with passing time, I was distracted enough with the piles of work that I was no longer thinking about them.

The one thing that I could not forget though was who my real father was. I don’t really have much memory when it comes to him. In fact, the only memory I had of him was the time when he, my mum and I went to this mall. I saw this game console that I really loved. The next thing I know, I was in a car playing it. That was when my father and my mother told me to never tell my grandfather who bought it for me. If I am not mistaken, they asked me to lie that it was given by my father’s friend. To be honest with you, I didn’t understand it then and I still don’t understand it now. But somehow that was the only memory I had. And that was the only memory I lived with.

But thank god for my friends, I wasn’t left to drown in those thoughts. There was always someone to talk to. Ihsan, Iman, Nor and I would use to go to these 24 hour restaurants that served free flow of drinks and sat there for hours. Our initial intention to go there was to study but to be honest with you, I study more sitting in the toilet then at that restaurant. But we talked about lots of things. We talked about how Nor had this two timing boyfriend that is worthless. And then we talked about how Nor dated this two timing boyfriend that was not worth a mention. And we also talked about how Nor is foolish enough to continously be fooled by this obviously bastard. When we're not talking about tha, we talked about when we would want to get married and stuff. We talked about things that were pure crap. And that by the way, happen to be my forte. I crap very well. And it was all self educated. I didn't need to attend any crappy school to learn that. I am pure crap.

As for my studies, I was doing quite okay actually. I would go out to cafes to study at night for a few hours from time to time. The reason why I cannot study at home was because if I were to be left next to a bed, very soon I will be on that bed, thinking about the past and stuff. It was either that or lying in the bed sleeping. Either way, I could not be productive. But yeah, because of my routine of studying at the café, my results were improving and I was slowly coming close to achieving my goal of entering a university that everyone deemed impossible, especially if you were a student without Chinese Language background. To come to think of it, I am actually learning Chinese while learning Japanese. Cooool. Kiss my ass, Mark. You're no longer the only one that can read few Chinese characters. Now I can read them as well.

Next week
Have you wondered what the tag line is for? What could it be that changed my life for good (or for worse)? It all happened in a span of 30 minutes. Stay tuned for next week's back to back stories. Chapter 3 shall come up on Saturday while Chapter 4 will come up on Sunday.

P/S this story was intensified to make it more melodramatic. I am actually a happy living individual that bounces from wall to wall. This story was shared as a way of accepting all that has happened and find the humor in them. Actually, another minor reason why the story is shared is to function as a way to fill the spaces in my blog. Laugh out loud.

Turning 2.0 Season 2 : Chapter 1 First Day Of My Life (Melanie Chisholm)

2007-09-29T21:14:00.000+09:00

Previously
This year, around March I put up 4 chapters of Turning 2.0. I know the ending was abrupt but that was because there was actually a second part to Turning 2.0. And this is the second part. In the first two chapters, we will look back on what has happened over the past two years. This will eventually extablish a starting point for Chapter 3.

31st August 2005, Kuala Lumpur

“The truth can become a lie in a matter of seconds. When that happens and your whole world comes crashing down, what do you do? Do you accept the new truth and try and adjust your life to the new information that you just found out? Or do you simply discard the new piece of information and pretend like nothing ever happened? Either way, life will never be the same again”

As we walked past by the Golden Triangle in KL after witnessing the beautiful fireworks at the Kuala Lumpur Twin Towers, I began to reminisce on the life I used to live. A year ago, I would be all alone, sitting at home. I might be out with friends, but my state of mind will still be empty. A year ago I would have been completely numb and unable to feel. In fact, to come to think of it, it was only two months ago, I finally had a new beginning and for the very first time, could come to terms with my past and what my future may be.

In May 2005, I feared for my future and what may become of it. I am not of a wealthy family and I know I only have one chance to fly to another country. And that is now or never. Despite getting straight A1s for my general examination, there was still that fear that I might not be what they were looking for. As days passed by, I hoped but at the same time, I was being very cautious. My mum said that if I want to, she would fork out every single penny she had to send me overseas, but I couldn’t accept it. I myself saw the pain she had been through over the years. How could I ask her to suffer more?

But I guessed God had plans for me. By the time June came, I found out I received the Petronas scholarship and was offered the opportunity to study in Japan. And by the time 21st June was here, I was at the airport already. My mum was crying and so were my two other siblings. But it wasn’t that bad, cause they knew I was still going to be near to them. I was after all, only going to KL to do my three months language course. I, however, never thought in a million years that those three months would change my life for good.

Upon arrival at KL, I was excited. I didn’t know what was coming my way but I was almost certain it would be something great. I couldn’t put my finger on it but I could feel it. After arriving at the INTEC, the place where I was supposed to do my language center, I went to my shared house to meet my new housemates. I expected my housemates to be dry and boring people. But I was wrong. I had two Chinese and one Indian for my housemates. As days passed by, we bonded and soon enough, we were playing pranks on each other.

It was during three months language course that I met Muzzani, Ihsan, Iman, Ina and Fatimah. Let me start with the latter four first. The five of us are in the same program. We all received the same scholarship and were all going to fly to Japan. So after fooling around for three hours, learning Japanese language, every Thursday afternoon, we have this so called religious class. Since there were only five of us, the teacher didn’t bother teaching. It was story telling session every time. One day, surprisingly, she came in to the class without a story to tell. So she suggested that we watch a video. While we were watching the video, she asked me a simple question. She wanted to know about my family. Now, under normal circumstances, I would have made a lie up and gave her the simplest version of things. Instead, perhaps due the holy power she had over me, it was either that or the fact that I ate something wrong during lunch; I began to spill the beans on my life. I told her about my family and how my father was irresponsible and how my mother was the sole provider of the house. I told her about the few things I have been through over the years. I, of course, didn’t tell her everything. That was my very first time. The very first time I had ever told anyone the truth. And that triggered a whole new Naza. I never knew telling the truth was that easy. I always thought that it was the hardest thing to do.

Since then, I no longer put my past in the closet. I brought it all out. There were no more lies. Okay, fine, there were still lies but not that much. Okay, fine. There are still lots of lies but there is also plenty of truth. Perhaps this was why I find it easier to make friends. True friends. Within these three months, I made friends with a lot of people. One of them was Muzzani. Like Dominic, he is one of the few people that judges others. He takes people for who they are. Not only the attributes, he accepts the bad and the ugly too. And that allowed me to feel comfortable with my past.

Looking back now, I began to realize how much easy it would have been to just tell my friends everything last time. But perhaps it was best that I kept it all inside of me first at that time. Perhaps there was a reason. As I continued to walk along the road, I realized I was walking too fast ahead already. Muzzani and his girlfriend were being left behind. I told Muzzani not to bring her along. But no, he had to bring her. It was supposed to be a guys night out. So far for the past two hours we’ve been walking, all I hear is whining about how her legs are tired already (Amy, you know I love you. And I love your whining too). In the end, to shut her up (sorry, Amy), we found a place to sit. We sat there and talk for the entire night until morning came and we took the train home.

Next week : A year since August 2005, has things improved or worsened? Can the past really be forgotten?

August Smile

2007-08-09T22:53:00.000+09:00

For the first 10 days of August, I must admit that I have been having nothing but fun. I laughed every single day and enjoyed myself so much I could officially declare the first two weeks of August as one of the main highlights in my life.

August once again proves to me that it is not what you do but rather who you spend your time with. In the first week of August, I had tutorial session with two of my juniors (Nadia and Husna...yes, Nadiah, I debuted your name) and we spent a lot of time laughing. Everything was so spontaneous and everything was so entertaining. WE laughed at every single mistake and perhaps, that is how education is supposed to be. Rather than feeling sad about every little mistakes, we should just take a moment and laugh about it. But don't get me wrong though, we laughed a lot but we studied quite a bit as well (but Nadiah and Husna, you girls have to buckle up. You girls could rock this coming exam if you step it up).

Then starting Monday this week, Petronas branch in Japan, Mitco Japan organized this Educational Summer Programme for us. It might sound boring but heck, it is so damn exciting. Perhaps it is the 9 other colleagues (5 juniors and 4 other friends from the same batch) or perhaps it is just me getting high from inhailing too much oxygen. One way or the other, I laughed the whole week. Not even a single family problem could bring me down. Well, it did but I got so frustrated I took a walk to the convenient store which was a few minutes away and by the time I came back, I realized I am not here to save everyone but here to save myself. And if I can do that and laugh the whole way, I am satisfied.

So on Monday, we went to the office and had this briefing about what the Petronas operations in Japan are all about. We met the replacement General Manager for the first time, and boy was he friendly. Don't get me wrong, I won't attempt to step on his head anytime soon but he sure is a friendly guy. For the whole day, we laughed over every single thing. Including the fact that Nor, Ihsan, Iman and I were swindled by a ticket agent (who used to be under scholarship but was dropped after failing his classes) and we lost about RM 1500. Sure, we're frustrated about it but once the lesson is learnt, we move on and laugh about it over lunch on Monday. To come to think of it, boy were we fools.

On Tuesday, we went for this cool boat ride at the Yokohama port. It was the most luxurious thing I've been on. We took millions of pictures (many of which I would put up on my Friendster soon) and it was so damn exciting. There were so many funny photos as well (if we were to put captions on each of the photo, we'll get a 19 year old pregnant teenager, two gay men holding hands and a lady cheating on her boyfriend....heheh lawak kan iman?). On that afternoon, we went for lunch nearby the port. There Ihsan and I learnt a very important lesson. Just because someone else is paying for it, it doesn't mean you should order the most expensive thing. Especially when it is the last thing to arrive and everyone just realized you order the most expensive thing on the menu. Lesson learnt. It was embarassing but once again, it's funny. We were laughed at by the managers, our remaining 8 colleagues (jaga ko orang...akan aku revenge wahahaha) and even by ourselves (cant help it...too funny).

Oooh then we went to this sugar factory where we were told how sugar is refined to be what it is. For the first time in my life, I learnt that they actually use cow bones to extract dirt from liquid sugar (if i hear correctly. I am sure I heard cow bones are used but for what, I am not 100 percent sure. Japanese still crappy, I guess). Tuesday was exciting cause we took the train, we rode a boat and we took a taxi all in the same day. Speaking of travelling, I hope we get to get on a private jet plane next year (if we do, I'll laugh my head off)

On Wednesday, we went to this steel factory. Gosh...watching how the steel was made was like watching a documentary on Discovery Channel. It was surreal (and so hot and man, I don't look cool in uniform at all. Note to self : study hard to avoid working in a factory). Then that afternoon, we went to this Mitsubishi Minatomirai Industrial Museum. I never like museum but if I were to say one thing I like about museums is that they have games to cater to the interest of young kids and me. And I played all the games. It was fun, but compared to the boat ride, I prefer the boat ride better. LOL. But we still laughed a lot at the museum. That evening after the program ended, we returned to the mitco japan's office in sakuragichou and were briefed about the next day's safety measures. We were also told off by the managers regarding our attitude during lunch. NO NO no 1 don't order more than the managers. NO NO no 2 don't choose your food . I shall remember both NO NOs.

On Thursday, we went onboard a ship. It was this huge LNG ship that just arrived at the Negishi port. We were shown around by the engineers and it was really really cool. The lunch was cool as well. We were served Malaysian food. Even thinking about it makes me hungry all over again. I drank rootbeer for the first time in 16 months. I ate guava for the first time in 16 months. I ate Yong Tau Fu for the first time in 16 months. Somehow, after the lunch, I lost all purpose to go back to Malaysia next week already. Who am I kidding, I still miss laksa sarawak. Hehehe.....and I miss someone as well...you know who you are....hehe...

So after the boarding the ship, we head off to the station to say bye bye to each other but before splitting up, we sat down to discuss the newsletter that we were told to do. Okay, fine, we weren't asked to do a newsletter, we were just asked to write a 5 to 6 pages article about what we've done the past four days. But since the past four days was so amazing, there is no way I am going to let it go down in history as a long essay. It has to be more than that, so as the editor of the article (yeah...my first publication as an editor. i sense many more great things to come...this is when the crowd throws eggs and tomatoes at me), I decided that we do a newsletter. The discussion didn't go down very well though as tempers fly and one of my juniors stormed off in rage. Although that happened, I am still confident we can pull it off at the 11th hour. Or else I'm doomed. Hehehe...

Okay, I need to start writing my mandatory report about what we've learnt for the past four days and also start writing my portion of the newsletter already...What a great first 10 days of August I had. And owh did I mention, I receive free tickets for two (sorry Iman and Nor, aku ajak Ihsan. dia beria ia nak tengok. If you girls want to go, you can but you need to see from behind lah. the tickets for reserved seats. sorry eh) to watch a fireworks display in Tokyo Bay this Saturday from a student who I am teaching English to. Okay so I need to start writing my article already....okay maybe after doing this weeks chart...heheh

My Superpower In My Dream

2007-07-26T01:24:00.000+09:00

So you know how when people dream, they usually dream of themselves being this greater than life kind of superhero. Well, last year, I had one of those dreams. It was the first in a very long time since I had such a dream. The last time I dreamt of something like that was when I was around 7 or 8, I dreamt that I was part of the Power Rangers and that the house next door was under attack by some kungfu ninjas (it was either ninjas or monsters. it might be monsters though. owh give me a break. i was just 7 or 8. how can i remember so specifically). And since then I continued to fool myself into believing that that wasnt a dream and that it was a prophecy. The fact that we played power ranger in the school grounds did not help much with snapping me out of fantasy land as well. But eventually as I begin to grow up, I begin to forget that I was a power ranger. Instead, I start to perspire to become a ballet dancer. Well, that is a completely different story.

SO back to this dream I had last year. I was walking in the park opposite my language school and the next thing I know, after jumping a little, I realized that my legs were like springs and that I could jump high into the sky. Yeap, imagine that. My superpower was merely the ability to jump like a spring. So unfair. Why cant I be something cooler like maybe a superman or batman or at least a psychic. Geez. That was after all my dream. And the worse part of the dream was I kept getting caught up in the electric cables that was hanging from one pole to the other. I remember cause I thought to myself what a crappy plot for a superhero dream.

So after waking up, I decided that I was not satisfied with the dream. So I went back to sleep. And the next thing I know, I am running down the staircase of my language school. We were being under attack by some invaders ( i am not sure if they were human or aliens or ninjas (what's the deal with me and ninjas) ). And we were completely surrounded and there was no way to escape.

The only thing left to do was to climb out through the window and escape by jumping off a three floor building. But lucky for me, I had the springy jumpy superpower so I could save a few of my classmates. After that, I cant remember what happened. Everything was rather blurry.

When I woke up, I realized I was late again for class. How typical. And the dream wasn't even worth being late for class. Well, at least, there was a happy ending. Sort of.

Let The Past Be Forgotten

2007-06-14T02:03:00.000+09:00

All the previous blogs have been deleted to make way for brand new blogs. This is how I do my cleaning as well. Rather drastic, huh. I know. At least, I don't apply the same concept with people though. I keep people. Old or new.